The Internet in Brief: 6/16/09, why am i blogging instead of writing on transcendental idealism

• Twitter: Not so fucking inane? Seriously, though– based on this weekend and the (lack of) mainstream media coverage of the election fraud in Iran (countdown to getting our blog blocked in Iran begins now, though I am pretty sure no one would notice if our blog got blocked in the state of California), I would have to say that Twitter wins. Not to mention, while CNN demonstrated a disturbing silence on this major historical event (#cnnfail lolz), Twitter went as far as to reschedule a serious site update just so Iranian dissenters could continue twittering.  Wonkette weighs in. They are absolutely right that Twitter is still completely stupid, but I registered for Twitter anyways and also set up my phone so I can tweet by text. New theory: vote was rigged by Twitter, to get closet political romantics like me to sign up for Twitter.

• Speaking of Wonkette, congratulations! Our favorite sharp-tongued, borderline silly political blog just got archived by the Library of Congress. Wonkette writes:

When scholars of the future — otherwise known as “Roombas” — look back at our chaotic and moronic first decade of the 21st Century, they will have nothing but faded printouts of vulgar old web pages for source material. “Why were there so many pictures of Truck Nutz and watermelon gardens around the Executive Mansion?”, the Roombas will ask each other, in robotic voices.

When I read this, I got an image of Tracy Jordan shouting: “It’s farting! It’s farting!”

I suppose that in the context of such times (Jon Stewart destroys a CNN show, Wonkette is part of the Library of Congress, Twitter is journalism) it is a safe bet to say that the Heuristic Squelch is on its way to a bright future. A potent combination of our shortest, most common demoninator top ten (specially designed for those fans who find some of our other lists too long to read*) and a Photoshop of a dog farting will replace Chancellor Birgeneau. And that will be the end of ChanceB’s LEFT WING TYRANNY over the University of California, Berkeley.

*an actual criticism

• Swiss Miss: fantastic design blog.

• The Daily Clog bitterly reports the existence of another Berkeley-specific blog. Luckily this one is pretty much completely written from a townie’s perspective. Wait, non-students live here? Who aren’t hobos? Or grad students? Do you see what I did there. Grad students don’t count. Kekeke.

• You know how RevengeCrabs was the frattiest thing ever? MsTaken is the bitchiest post-sorority career woman thing ever. The difference? RevengeCrabs was so funny that I couldn’t tell if it was a troll or not. But MsTaken just looks like something marketed towards stuck up women who can’t (or won’t?) tell men to get lost. “But Sarah,” you might say, “what about that guy who tried to number you during distro like a month ago? You couldn’t bring yourself to tell him to get lost, you just stonewalled him over your number for like five minutes. Plus you are just jealous because you never get hit on since you got your hair cut cuz now you look like a boy. HAHA.” Okay, yeah, but my point is: why should you put a dude down for trying to number-close you? There’s no need to act super bitchy (puke in mouth ew you’re so gross men roll eyes). If he’s that huge of a sleazebag, then just tell him to fuck off. Why the fuck do you need a fake engagement ring that you can hide inside of a keychain? Also, my hair is totally not that short. Fuckers.

• Wait a second, did I ever address what was going on in Iran? In case anyone does not know and actually cares, I’d recommend trawling through the million-something posts on the Daily Dish that were put up over the weekend. If you can’t bother with that, here is a well-written, intelligent two-page assessment of the situation in Iran. And if you still can’t be bothered with that, here’s my gung-ho explanation:

1) the election was obviously rigged, see the Daily Dish or the Asia Times article if you want arguments, if I make this explanation any longer you stupid fucks won’t want to read it

2) people began protesting

3) police begin beating them

4) people keep protesting. Protests, chants, etc. are organized via twitter. Police brutality is captured via camera phone and uploaded onto youtube. (All these you can find via the Daily Dish.) Guys begin throwing rocks at the police. The police begin doing these motorcycle runs where a guy in the bitch seat swings a club as they drive through a crowd.

5) the police (? unsure at this point; it seems that it’s now the Basij militia? Or right-wing hardliners? There are also rumors that the government is importing Arabs who will be more brutal with the citizenry) raid university dorms. Students are killed. Professors resign en masse.

6) the police (?) prevent the wounded protestors from entering hospitals. People die.

The role of the internet throughout this whole deal has been absolutely fascinating. There’s the Twitter aspect, yes, and the accompanying Facebook bullshit and YouTube uploads… also the quality blogging that has emerged out of this, in contrast to the total failure of the mainstream media… but what I find really interesting are the DOS attacks. They were first orchestrated by the government (presumably) against pro-opposition sites. Several tweets called for “hackers” to go after government sites, which went down from DOS attacks, which then led to all of Iranian cyberspace suffering. I’m not sure how this works, but I suppose I could say (in layman’s terms) that some of the internet tubes kind of broke and now we have to get an internet plumber.

In any case, I didn’t put this under IRL News because I feel like the IRL News (CNN, NY Times, WashPo) has failed to properly report this. Obviously this whole shit happened IRL, otherwise it would be fucking stupid and I would have never been swayed into signing up for Twitter. It’s not quite the internet supplementing reality (like campaign websites during the election season), neither is it the internet co-opting reality (like blog wank), nor is the internet by itself, producing despisable 4chanesque circlejerking. I’m not sure what this is, but whatever it is, it’s not quite IRL News.

But what does this have to do with UC Berkeley or comedy anyways? Absolutely nothing, but I am a big romantic baby who can’t get enough of this story. These last couple of days I was so sure they would fail, but it’s looking more and more like they will succeed– hence me being able to bring myself to post at all. (Tomorrow I am wearing some green to class in solidarity with the Iranian students. :3 )

[Before some hypothetical reader complains about my double standard when it comes to foreign policy unrelated to UC Berkeley, I want to point out that instead of suing people or taking up valuable (?) Senate time, I am being an internet shut-in who probably won’t even get asked about the green thing because no one in real life talks to me. In any case, my view on the US’s role in this matter is pretty much the same as Obama‘s– this whole spiel has everything to do with Iran, and nothing to do with the US. The US should not intervene, and that’s not just because it’s what Ron Paul would do. The US shouldn’t have any fucking say in the matter because it’s not their goddamn democratic process. (I really don’t want to see Chancellor Birgeneau sending a University-wide e-mail about this either.) But as a college student, I have a great deal of empathy for my counterparts in Iran. I think they are doing the right thing.]

[In case any of you are also feeling like big gay bourgeois college-educated humanist babbies about this, there are a couple things you can do.]

————————————————————————-

• Okay, so I wrote most of this post SEVERAL hours ago, figuring that it would be the first morning post the next day… only, the internet never sleeps, and by now it is clear that we are SUPER late on the Iran train. Not that we were ever on the ball with anything other than postmodernist exegeses of pedal pushing porn. But for once I care, and the Web is already delivering hilarious things like THE JEWS ARE BEHIND THE TWITTER . I’m fucking serious. The proof? A JPost article that appeared Sunday, June 14th, mentioning several prolific Twitterers (who had signed up just the day before) by name.

On the other hand, Andrew Sullivan wrote on Saturday (about five billion posts before Sunday, because he is a fucking MACHINE): The Revolution Will Be Twittered. Why? Because the government is interfering with pretty much every other form of communication. Huh… maybe that’s those Twitter accounts were registered only three days ago?

My favorite part of this analysis?

IranElection09
800 followers. 9 friends.
196 tweets in 3 days. none before that.
185 in English. 11 in Farsi (Arabic appearing letters. Not sure if it’s Farsi)
Time: bulk between 2:00pm and 6:00pm eastern. Also 1:00am.
Top 5 words: iranelection, rt, mousavi, tehran, march
Most retweets: @IranRiggedElect @StopAhmadi

“Arabic appearing letters”. YAY, awesome analysis on Iranian twitters!!!!

Okay, so: JPost (the staff of which almost assuredly doesn’t speak Farsi) picks out five Tweeters, who all sign up for Twitter in a timeframe when lots of people are buzzing for communication but have no outlet but Twitter, who are suspiciously very prolific and also suspiciously active in getting followers (man, how can a Tweeter do BOTH? that’s so weird), and also suspiciously tweet in a language that JPost can speak? Never mind that Change_for_Iran just posted in Farsi 22 minutes ago, or that pretty much all of these Tweeters have been constantly referring to (via @) all-Farsi Twitters, especially translating them into English?

There is no fucking explanation. It’s gotta be the fucking Jews, man.

But it’s not about that maaaaaaaaaan:

Disclaimer: Before I get attacked as being an Anti-Semite,you should know that I am half Jewish. Alternatively, I hope that people do not misinterpret this as some “JEWISH” conspiracy. It isn’t. These are the workings of the extreme right wing of Israeli politics. They have their own Bush’s and Cheney’s there too.

“Oh, I have nothing against the Jews. Just Israel!”

GG, “chartingstocks”. GG.

–

P.S.~ speaking of “que bono” [sic], I highly doubt the Israeli right wing would profit from Iran gaining a regime more friendly towards the US. Why would you want to lose a justification for having nuclear weapons / general aggression? Why would you want an Islamic nation cozying up to the States?

Also, it’s Twitter. Twitter is fucking dumb. No one fucking expected Twitter to do shit, especially not the Iranian students who keep twittering about how they used to only use their accounts to follow tech blogs, LET ALONE Mossad. That is why this is a story: inherently stupid medium pulls through, does good deed.