Archive for the ‘Brett Hallahan’ Category

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Newsflash: Attack on U.N. Day Camp Traced to Rival Camp Northstar

June 30, 2010

The nighttime raid on a U.N.-run children’s camp in the Gaza Strip this week puzzled investigators until recently, when evidence emerged linking the attack to a scrappy band of militant misfits known only by the mysterious codename “Camp Northstar.” Led by the enigmatic mastermind “Al-Muri,” the group has been active in Gaza for years, orchestrating such attacks as 2003’s Peeing In Jerusalem’s Pools and the firebombing of the Fatah Rec Center.

One of the few images of the terrorist group at their training ground.

In a statement released to Al-Jazeera, Al-Muri crowed about the attack as “a glorious strike against the rich kids across the lake,” his typical epithet for the United States. “We shall never be defeated, for we shall win the Camp Olympiad for Allah and feast well upon the attendant pizza party!”

Al-Muri indoctrinates a young suicide wedgier.

U.N. officials downplayed the damage wrought by the attack, noting that all the lost equipment was easily replaceable and that their dad could afford it easy. Said Camp Director Chad Maxwell, “Those dumb Northstar militants think they can compete with this? They don’t even have a heated pool. Believe me, there’s nothing they can do to stop us from winning next month’s Camp Field Day.” Unbeknownst to Maxwell, his boxer shorts waved ominously from the flagpole behind him.

BELOW: Northstar militants sing one of their trademark anti-Western hate chants.

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Trailer RoundUp With Brett and David

April 27, 2010

Get it?? Get it!!??!?!

Hey everyone, it’s your old friends Brett and David.  As you all well know, we here at the Sqlog love movies, but if there’s anything that we love more, it’s making snarky comments about those movies from the relative safety of our laptops.  That’s why we decided to take a bunch of trailers for movies that will be coming out and write down our impressions in a way that will be amusing to any hypothetical reader!  Not sure what I’m talking about?  Neither are we!  Click the link to see what the hubbub is all about.

For Serious, Click This Business…

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Issue 19-6 Now on Web!

April 26, 2010

So get your asses over to squelched.com for a hit of the good stuff! Oh yeah!

Issue Title: etrayal

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Divestment: An Alternative Viewpoint

April 16, 2010

Let me say up front that this is not a polemic. I come here today not to demonize anyone, nor to call into question the righteousness of anybody’s cause. I merely feel that in all the hullabaloo about the proposed divestment from Israel, some perspective has been lost. I understand that those in favor feel that we should do all we can to pressure the Israeli government to moderate its policies toward the Palestinians in order to facilitate the peace process, and I understand that opponents feel that divestment would unfairly punish Israelis for the deeds of their leaders. The debate has been rigorous, to say the least. But in the end I  must side with opponents of divestment, for this reason:

Israelis need their vests.

I don’t think the proponents of divestment are unfeeling towards Israelis. They just haven’t stopped to think about the sartorial damage the action would cause to the nation’s fashionable citizenry. Israelis use vests for numerous occasions: black tie galas, chilly days, Wacky Vest Day at Jerusalem High. Do we really want to take all that away from them for the sake of making a political point?

Do we really want Israelis never to look this badass? (If you can't see the picture, it's a guy in a great vest.)

Vests serve many important functions in society, not just in Israel but everywhere. They keep our police officers safe from bandits, our dress shirts unstained, and our cabaret singers dapper. No society should be deprived of its vests, no matter how much we may dislike its foreign policy. Therefore, instead of divestment from Israel, I propose a revestment of Palestine.

Isn't this Palestinian vest nice?

Let us send more vests to the Palestinian people. Let us shower them with comfortably-fitting three-piece suits and jaunty old-timey wear. We cannot let Hamas be the group people depend on for their vest supply. Even better, why not convince Israel to begin a program of vest exchange? A people who would share their vests are clearly a people who can be negotiated with in confidence. I look forward to a world in which Israelis and Palestinians can live as neighbors in peace and harmony, secure in the knowledge that they will never again be under fire, underfed, or underdressed.

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Hmm, that’s a pretty good joke, New Yorker!

April 3, 2010

Many of you out there probably remembers the scandal that rocked the webcomic world when it was revealed that the venerable institution of the medium, Penny Arcade, had shockingly copied one of our jokes. Oh, there was weeping and wailing and the gnashing of teeth. But now it is my sad duty to inform you all that plagiarism has reared its ugly head yet again, in the form of a magazine that was published last year. Behold!

Exhibit A: The November 2008 issue of the Heuristic Squelch, featuring a lovely drawn cover depicting Lemuel Gulliver in his classic “tied down by Lilliputians” pose, discovering to his consternation that the little folk seem to be S&M enthusiasts.

Damn, that's some good comedy magazine coverin' right there.

Hi-larious, am I right? Yes, yes I am right. Fast forward to now, then rewind again back to August of 2009, when The New Yorker, evidently some sort of non-college-humor magazine, displayed this amusing image in its Caption Contest section, appealing to its readers for an appropriately droll caption:

J'accuse!

BUM BUM BUM! Oh, they thought us mad when we put a picture of a butt farting on the Snooty New Yorker Guy on our back cover! They said we were just being self-deprecatingly juvenile! But look at it now! Seems pretty prescient, hmm? Clearly, The New Yorker intentionally ripped off our poor, defenseless magazine, thinking that just because we’re a college humor publication on the other side of the country where most New Yorker writers would never see it, we wouldn’t notice this egregious act of joke-stealery! But just you wait, New Yorker! HEADS WILL ROLL!

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The Squelch Guide to Political Humor

March 27, 2010

Politics are funny. This is a fact. The constant dance of politicians, pundits, and activists mixing ideology, pragmatism, and pandering to the lowest common denominator, and the clashes that derive from their interactions, produce such a wealth of absurdity and contradiction that humor is really the only way to deal with it without losing your mind. Yet somehow most attempts at political humor are terrible. So as a public service, the Squelch hereby offers a simple outline of the Dos and Don’ts of political humor. No one’s guaranteeing that this is 10 Steps To Becoming Jon Stewart, but hopefully it’ll help people improve their game.

Games improved after the jump.

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Issue 19-5 Now On Internet!

March 15, 2010

Yeah, you heard me right. For those poor souls who failed to procure a genuine copy of our latest comedy masterpiece, get your poor souls over to www.squelched.com to bathe in the electronic goodness. Get to it!

The French Fry Revolution