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The Sqlog’s E3 2009 WrapUp WriteUp RoundUp

June 12, 2009
Really?  This was the best logo they could come up with?

Really? This was the best logo they could come up with?

E3, as you may have heard one of G4’s insufferable talentless personalities patronizingly explain to the mainstream media, is the main event for the video game industry to present their new products to shareholders in order to convince them not to sell their stock of a luxury product in times of dire economic crisis like any rational person would.  However, easily duped and painfully desperate nerds take it as the time when everything they will waste their barely-earned dollars on is carted before them like silage.

Sqlog writers Kyle Smith and David Hollingsworth are just these kinds of nerds, and will now take this time to carefully review some of this year’s more impressive and inevitably disappointing announcements for you, the reader, while strategically not lampooning all the things we’re genuinely excited for, like Left 4 Dead 2, which will own.

New Super Mario Bros. Wii for the Wii

Kyle: Why isn’t this on DS?  They have no excuse.  Though the prospect of playing a 2d Mario on a TV is mindblowing.

David: This is actually the sequel to a game on the DS that everyone forgot about.  In fact, I have already forgotten everything that happened in that trailer.

Kyle: Yeah, there’s really not much to see there. Other than the penguin suit, which is just going to be a chore…

David: I will basically eat whatever garbage Nintendo puts in front of me, and even I can see that this is kind of a retarded idea.

Kyle: I think it will be passing, but I just don’t see why it needs to be a Wii title.

David: At least it’s not Wii Music.  That was like your parents telling you there would be no more Christmases.

Kyle: Haha, but hey, at least Nintendo didn’t bother with more crappy peripherals and other nonsense…Oh wait.

David: Thank god that Wii Fit Plus has a reliable dog-weighing service.

Kyle: What a bad idea this all is.

Scribblenauts for the Nintendo DS

David: What the god damn hell is this.

Kyle: Amazing.

David: Making Things Appear: The Video Game.

Kyle: Someone typed in ‘sub’ and the game asked him to clarify between the sandwich and the vehicle. It will basically devolve into God vs Penis.

David: Oh, no doubt.

Kyle: But that is why I love it.

David: If I get this, word one is “Chlamydia.”

Kyle: I understand you have to work pretty hard to stump it.

David: Making this game must have been like that old Sci-Fi standby of trying to chronicle everything in the universe with the additional challenge of making it kinda anime.

Kyle: They got close.

Metal Gear Solid: Rising for the Xbox 360, PS3, PC

David: !

Kyle: No. No more.

David: I’m sorry.

Kyle: What system is this supposed to be on… it looks like an iPhone app or something… Maybe that’s how the PS2 looks to me now.

David: That might just be Kojima’s cinematographic style of “Blurry and Unwatchable.”

Kyle: Yeah, I had that figured by the time we made it to MG4. What the fuck was that?

David: Is it a fighting game?

Kyle: There was no game. Where is the game?

David: I think this is the official trailer. I’m pretty sure this is the official trailer for something.

Kyle: That shows footage from older games?

David: I guess he just took the gameplay style from the MGS series and applied it to trailers.

Kyle: Sit and watch a thing for a few minutes, a fraction of time devoted to something that resembles substance. Kojima is a troll chipping away slowly at the psyches of gamers.  His chisel? Bullshit.

David: His hammer? Eyepatches.

Quantum for the PS3

Kyle: Gears of Japan

David: H.R. Gigers of War

Kyle: “Just Revenge…” Games as art.

David: The makers of this game went to the James Bond School of Naming Things Quantum for No Reason.

Kyle: I have so little to say about this game other than this will be all of the fast-paced gameplay of Gears of War with the aesthetic and story-telling quality of a Japanese game. And that is bad news.

David: At least they appear to have left out the “MY DEAD WIFE ;(” bullshit that dragged down Gears of War 2.

Kyle: Instead they put in bullshit co-op combos. I guess if Dom’s wife could shoot lasers, Gears 2 would have been cooler.  So I guess I’m with you on that.

David: I agree with you in having no faith in the co-op system, this basically looks like Resident Evil 5, except instead of Black People you shoot Stupid Looking Things.

Kyle: The game is a twisted permutation of 3rd person action games from the last year…. a shambling mass of unoriginality and nonsense. I just wrote the back of the box.

David: You forgot the ” ‘8.5/10!’ — andyscoolvideogamereviews.net ”

Kyle: I’m embarrassed to say I clicked that link and almost checked if the internet had died.

Metroid: Other M for the Wii

Kyle: Fuck you, Team Ninja.

David: Animetroid

Kyle: “Remember me” :D

David: Games as art.

Kyle: Welp;

David: That trailer left me with literally no idea of how that game will play

Kyle: Yeah, my first impression was that it was a faux 2D shooter. Which would have been really cool. But by the end I thought it looked like Metroid Gaiden.

David: I guess that’s what they’re going for, but it will be hard to show gratuitous boobs with Samus’ armor, so all the flavor of Ninja Gaiden will be lost.

Kyle: Well Metroid Prime 3 gave us the possibility of sidekicks. But if Samus talks, I’m walking.

David: I will be okay with it if the only time she talks is to respond to the “remember me :D” guy.

Kyle: God I want a gif of that so bad. Anyway, this could be okay, but I doubt it considering that Team Ninja makes technically good, but unplayable games.  They are the James Joyce of games…Wait, God, no they’re not.  Not at all.  Never mind.

Kung Fu Hustle: The Game for the PC? Maybe?

David: This is amazing in every respect.

Kyle: Holy Shit, the black guy with the bowstaff.

David: This game looks like I made it in Adobe Illustrator in an afternoon

Kyle: Well, some one graduated from Full Sail with honors.

David: I think they need to spend a few more minutes tightening up the graphics.

Kyle: I think those graphics are as tight as they get.  The unreal engine has gotten a lot of use, now it must move over for the next generation.

David: Indeed.

Kyle: That was the first time I’ve seen that video; screenshots don’t do it justice. This really channels fighter maker.

David: I don’t know, their bodies seem to be not twisting in half impossibly and diving into the ground. Also it looks like there is more than one move.

Kyle: Fair enough.

Super Mario Galaxy 2 for the Wii

Kyle: ZZZZZZZ

David: This looks like the exact same game as the last one.  It should be called “Looks Good on Paper Mario.”  I mean, the addition of Yoshi would be exciting, but I am no longer 9 years old.

Kyle: I haven’t been excited about a Mario game in a long time…I feel like a crotchety old man, all fed up with those damn Italians.

David: I know.  I think I’m finally done with the Mario series. It’s like Peter Pan growing up…

Kyle: The rest of the industry got sick of platformers during the last generation of consoles… Mario needs to move back to 2D. Maybe that’s too harsh.

David: Well, that’s what he’s trying with New Super Mario Bros Wii, and even that is silly. The whole affair is just sort of obsolete at this point.

Kyle: Mario could only jump so high…

David: But he fell…so far…

Natal for Xbox 360

David: THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK AT ALL, JESUS, THE WII BARELY WORKS, THIS IS GOING TO BE LIKE TRYING TO TELL A CAT WHAT TO DO

Kyle: I… It… It can’t work.

David: I AM SO ANGRY

Kyle: Get some Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel, figure out what dress I’m gonna wear to prom, eat cheetohs. Microsoft really swung and missed with this bullshit.

David: You know what really sells a product is frantic music featuring incoherently screaming British children.

Kyle: That and consumer fraud.

David: Yeah oh wait I FORGOT HOW ANGRY I AM! MICROSOFT THE WORLD ISNT MINORITY REPORT YOU CANNOT MAKE A MAGIC HANDWAVING MACHINE

Kyle: This is just a prototype for the control mechanism on Gates’ giant mosquito tank. Now I know we have nothing to fear.

David: “Release the mos — Re —  RELEASE — HEY!  RELEASE TH–  Where’s the controller?”

Kyle: I also want to add that voice recognition will not work. Just as an aside.

David: “Millard Filmore!”  “Hercules Prostitutes is…not correct!”

Kyle: “Play Movie!”   “I’m sorry, France Pirates is not a recognizable command”

David: “Turn off console!” “Meow? :3”

Kyle: “Off!”   “Dirigible?” … I just wanted to type Dirigible.

David: We all have that craving from time to time, it doesn’t make you any less of a man.

!
Kyle: No
No more
me: I’m sorry.
Lot of “No’s” in this trailer, seems a little overly negative for my tastes
Sent at 9:07 PM on Friday
Kyle: What system is this supposed to be on… it looks like an iphone app or something… maybe that’s how the PS2 looks to me now
me: That might just be Kojima’s cinematographic style of “Blurry and Unwatchable.”
Kyle: Yeah, I had that figured by the time we made it to MG4
What the fuck was that?
me: Is it a fighting game?
Kyle: There was no game
Where is the game?
me: I think this is the official trailer.
I’m pretty sure this is the official trailer for something.
Kyle: That shows footage from older games?
me: I guess he just took the gameplay style from the MGS series and applied it to trailers.
Fucking zing.
Kyle: Sit and watch a thing for a few minutes, a fraction of time devoted to something that resembles substance
Kojima is a troll chipping away slowly at the psyches of gamers
His chisel? Bullshit.
me: His hammer? Eyepatches
Kyle: Man, lotta shit I’m not gonna be buying in the distant future
me: should we move on?
do you have one?
Kyle: yeah…
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3 comments

  1. Hilarious. But you guys know you’ll end up buying all this when it actually comes out, don’t lie.


  2. You know what’s more like driving than holding a wheel in midair? Holding your arms in the air with no wheel. Sometimes maybe you want to hold something in your hands, I don’t know. Soon you won’t need a chair either, just practice squatting in midair. The purpose of this device seems to be to turn everyone into mimes, because nothing is cooler than mimes, right? Maybe they will be cool after this. I don’t understand this modern world.

    Also, now fighting games will only be playable by people who actually know how to fight. To be good at these games you must limber up beforehand by taking actual martial arts lessons.

    To play skateboarding games you should buy a skateboard to scan, then jump around not actually using your real world skateboard. Maybe there will be an add-on so you can scan the street outside your house and put it into the game and pretend to be skating with your real skateboard on your real street, only inside without a board.


  3. WHY. NOT. LEFT 5 DEAD.

    WHY.



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