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Porn on Tuesdays – SFW Rodeo!

June 16, 2009

SORRY SO LATE EVERYONE!!!

If we’ve learned anything from the past month or so of Porn on Tuesdayses, it’s that people will masturbate towards basically anything, regardless of whether or not that anything is sexualized in any way or even contains any semblance to the human form.  This kind of obscure fetishization flourishes in spite of, and very probably because of, Our Repressive Culture, which squirrels away traditionally pornographic material to the recesses of the gross rooms in the back of local video stores and the Internet, a horrible and ghastly realm that you may have heard of in the whispers of dying children.  You could make yourself quite a good argument that this banishment of nudity and depicted sex has led to the terrifying, misogynistic, and angry state of modern pornography, and that if porn were treated more casually it would be much more subdued.  But then again, Japan.

In any case, despite the best efforts of the prudes, heavily-fetishized but not necessarily overtly pornographic media have spread across websites that normally bar masturbatory materials like boner wildfires.  This week, I’m going to do things a little differently, and just show you the cavalcade of things that people could theoretically abuse themselves to without getting above a PG rating.  Yes, this week, I’ll show you a collection of Safe For Work Fetishes, a phenomena first examined by one of my favorite websites, PoETV.

Most SFW fetishes are based around taking a concept that is relatively boring and workaday and making a girl do them.  Like Pedal Pumping, the trick appears to be to get the girl to act like they’re really into it, or give the impression that it is an intimidating and maybe even invasive affair, which, of course, sets off all the rape-undertone-alarms in my head.  We wouldn’t have to reach to far to find the violent penetrative themes in Ear Cleaning:

On a very surface level, one might assume that this is just a weird video that someone put on Youtube, but there are some obvious clues that this is meant to be masturbated to.  The first, best way to confirm one’s suspicion is to check the comments.  Take for example Youtube user “mobilelizard”‘s comment:

I urge everyone to find your g spot in your ear. Once you find it, have someone keep scartching that part for you…with the right pressure, it’s like continuous orgasm.

Now, it’s quite possible that this is false positive caused by the inherent and unfortunate tendency of Internet dudes to write creepy things in every comment box possible, but the huge “SAMPLE VIDEO”, to me, implies that this is a taste of a much longer video of people having their ears picked that one must pay for, which just screams fetish.

Another example of the common and mundane being turned into erection fuel is the Hiccuping Fetish:

I find this video to be about a thousand times more annoying than arousing, but then again, my username isn’t “hiccuplover2009”, who writes:

thanks.more hiccups video please~~~~

It’s actually, oddly enough, comforting that this video was made specifically for hiccuping enthusiasts, as it appears as though any video anyone uploads of themselves hiccuping with no intention of titillation (which there are apparently a lot of, for some reason), gets immediately filled with “more hiccups please” comments by the hiccup people.  So watch out, I guess.

Some SFW fetishes are just patently retarded, such as the videos produced by the Latex Fetish people, who will masturbate at the mere thought of powdery rubber, but will also apparently get off this trifling silliness:

Similarly dumb and just about as prevalent is the Quicksand Fetish, which has quite a lot of ties to Pedal Pumping, both in its foot-based focal points and its apparent need to show women in slightly-miffed-distress caused by their own stupidity:

What’s particularly interesting about the fetishes above is that they, like  the previously mentioned hiccup fans, don’t need their material to be specifically produced for the purpose of fetishization.  In fact, because their turn-ons are not explicitely pornographic in nature, they end up being featured in non-pornographic mainstream cultural artefacts, which end up being just as good.  I.E., while the Violet Turning into a Blueberry scene from Willy Wonka wasn’t made for the benefit of the inflatable rubber latex suit people, they’ll sure as hell upload it to Youtube and rub one out.  And while the Quicksand scene from The Princess Bride, wasn’t meant to be leered at with sweaty palms, well, you get the idea.

In fact, one might come to the conclusion that we, as a culture, really have no public consciousness of our sexuality — we hide away the things that are explicitely pornographic, but don’t really try to censor the things that aren’t, but are still masturbated to.  I’m not saying that we should censor everything that could even be considered jerk-off material, because its clear at this juncture that everything can be masturbated to.  Rather, maybe we should just admit that since everything can be sexualized, overtly sexual things are probably not as harmful to society as we all seem to imagine.  Or maybe I’m reading entirely incorrectly into this and should just continue to point out how irregular all this is.  Carrying on…

Another weirdly common Youtube fetish uses terrible, unnatural looking Masks that look like they came from Terry Gilliam’s worst movie:

Watching that video never gets less terrifying.  It turns out that the whole rub of the mask fetish is that its almost exclusively gross, whiskery men underneath them, which should provide a kind of cross-dressing/genderbending element but instead makes the whole thing smack of Ed Gein.  This particular video is interesting because it also showcases the Smoking Fetish, which is hilarious in its own right and deserves its own video:

That is literally 42 seconds of someone smoking with a kind of rude expression on their face and occasionally doing that 50-year-old-aunt-who-smells-bad wince.  And yet, what do we see in the comments?

“sexy” is a huge understatement in this video… WOW

Soon we are going to put up a video of her smoking hookah for everyone… LOTS OF CREAMY SMOKE…enjoy my baby everyone!!!

And what about this is fast? Try to smoke one as fast as possible, maybe in under a minute :)

Not only are they inexplicable sycophants, they’re picky, entitled sycophants.

This is really just the tip of the iceberg as far as SFW fetishes go.  I could really go on for pages and pages, but this post is already late enough as it is.  What I might do is start posting a SFW Fetish video at the end of each of my posts from here on out just as a stinger and as a way to cleverly hide the fact that I’m not good at writing endings to these pieces.  So…Um…Yes.  Okay, then.  Good night.

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