I know it’s been literally an entire semester since I’ve posted a Weeaboo Wednesday, but look, I actually don’t know that much about Japan. I guess I could have kept reviewing weird hentai that I “accidentally” came upon, but I am pretty tired of getting hits from search terms like “world of warcraft tentacle” and “kkids fucking”.
In any case, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SHARE WITH YOU, SOMETHING ABOUT ANIMES!! CLICK HERE FOR JAPAN BOINIC BOOBS SKUNK FU HENTAI TENTICLE
So I’ve been stricken with some kind of horrible and life consuming strain of flu. While my initial plan was to sit around and feel sorry for myself, I had a realization: this was a golden opportunity to try some of the ways the people of Japan deal with their colds, flu, and other horrors. I did some research (and tapped into my own tremendous store of Japanese knowledge) and went to work on healing myself. One of the maxims of eastern medicine being that the bitterer the better, I knew I was in for a taxing experience.
Robotic cats are symbols of good health in traditional Japanese culture
Hit the jump for my quest for a cure!
My life can loosely be described as a big fat sausagefest. For one thing, I work for the Heuristic Squelch. Comedy, like most things that aren’t jazz music, is dominated by white men, and the Squelch is no exception. Our female membership has increased by roughly 400% since my arrival– and yet the magazine is still dominated by a ponderously large amount of dick jokes.
For another thing, I’m a philosophy major. The percentage of female undergraduates in philosophy– nationwide– is something like 30%. For a little bit of perspective— the percentage of female undergraduates in the humanities (nationwide) is something like 60%. The gender ratio in philosophy is comparable to the ratio in computer science.
Combine that with my decidedly neckbeardesque taste in music and my dismal, crippled relationship with my cold, cold mother, and what you get is a very good reason to never read shounen.
Look at this way: after a long day of sparring with moleskine-wielding, unshaven, fixed-gear riding douchebags over Kant’s transcendental idealism, would you rather read a childish comic about an awkward and blush-filled courtship with a high school tennis star, or a childish comic about an awkward and yell-y duel-to-the-death that determines whose magic dragon ninja ghost sword is the biggest?
miageta yozora no hoshitachi no hikari
Click here to see whose magic dragon ninja ghost sword is the biggest!
This column was written on July 8th and initially published that day. Upon hitting the “Publish” button, I saw that Kyle had already written one. Because it was Kyle’s week to write a WW, and I had forgotten. So I took it off the site and decided to publish it the next week. Except that would have been yesterday, and yesterday I forgot. Fortunately there’s this thing where you can fiddle with the date that an entry appears to be filed under. This column was retro-published on the site on Thursday the 16th. Look, it’s not like these are particularly time-sensitive, OKAY?
So apparently Ai Yazawa, creator of some of my all-time favorite shoujo manga, is very sick and won’t be updating Nana for a while. Given this tragic and unverifiable news I sort of remember reading on onemanga.com, I thought it might be a good opportunity to put Ai Yazawa on trial for bringing out the worst in the Japanese– and in doing so, introduce you gaijin to the absolutely fascinating, somewhat nauseating phenomenon that is Nana.
During the last section of Philosophy 12A (Introduction to Logic), my GSI wrapped up his explanation of the deduction as he usually did– meeting the blank stares and tortured sighs of a classroom full of clueless freshmen and lazy seniors with a skillful but unsuccessful attempt to draw out anything like interest, or even a useful question. With a good twenty minutes left in the hour, he simply gave up and opened the floor to questions– any questions of any sort. Hands immediately shot up. “Does this deduction system carry over anywhere else?” “Where does this come into play in philosophy?” “Would we find this kind of abstract logic outside of the university?” One after another, students asked several variations on what was pretty much the same question:
“Why did I take this class again?”
The Squelch has a word for this curious admixture of exhaustion and bewilderment: Magician Basketball. In the immortal words of our old editor-in-chief, who at the time was finishing up his PEIS senior thesis on the fascinating topic of third world agriculture:
(pauses, looks around at circle of gathered players, sighs) Man, why did I ever decide to coach magician basketball?
We all get moments like that. Some of us feel it because we just spent an entire week of all-nighters writing about some Brazilians you’ve never met, whose language you don’t speak, and whose struggle is growing ever less important than your physical and mental health; others because we just stumbled through an entire semester of incomprehensibly abstract symbology that isn’t necessary (and certainly not sufficient) to understand even someone as obscure as Saul Kripke. And then sometimes you find yourself writing the third part of a series of columns on a really weird hentai video you discovered. We’ve all been there.
This last post contains the shortest temporal part of the video, but by far covers the most material. But as exhausted as I am, I find it difficult to provide a commentary… in any case, Lust Train speaks for itself.
In my travels across the internet, I have seen wonders and heard tales of a land across the sea called Japan. There, one can seek the company of a loli without some prick from NBC spoiling your fun, read manga all day without your step-dad telling you to man up and wash your face, and even spend hours laughing at a TV show that has no premise beyond a ‘monkey and a dog are friends.’ Japan is almost too glorious a place to describe in one post so today I will take you into the home of a Japanese person, and show you a small sample of the wonderland called Japan.
All Japanese people live in homes like these
You would be amiss to assume this house’s old-timey hidden ninja village look carries through into the interior. In fact, this house holds technological wonders that we won’t see for another 15 years. The items inside this home are a testament to the efficiency and industry Japan. Since the Japanese are a trustworthy people, doors are rarely locked, lets look inside!
It was with great hesitation and mild dismay that I logged out of a satisfying session of World of Warcraft in order to bring you more horrible, horrible porn. Although I was initially very excited about the potential comedy value of “Lust Train,” going as far as to describe it as the “best thing ever,” two or three or twelve repeat viewings have definitely dimmed my enthusiasm. Although the combination of hilariously wrong, morally reprehensible hentai and transforming gundam robots is pretty excellent, watching huge boobs getting lashed together by slender tentacles and then milked like udders is kind of a downer if you subscribe to anything remotely resembling feminist principles. But I promised to bring you more– so here I am.
If you haven’t read the first part of my write-up yet, you are a) one of the few readers who didn’t stumble onto this site while looking up “skunk fu hentai,” b) probably better off for it.
If this image loaded on your computer, the FBI is already on their way.
This week’s post is going to go straight into the mind-bogglingly unerotic. Just to make it entirely clear: this post is NOT WORK SAFE, it’s not even mind safe. THIS IS REALLY A REVIEW OF HENTAI. Brace yourselves for a truly terrifying journey…
The following excerpt, to me, sums up the whole of wikipedia– it comes from the article on “Panchira,” which is apparently just Japanese for “pantyshot” or “upskirt”. You know, those borderline child pornography bits in otherwise PG anime? Yeah, those. So why was I looking up the wikipedia article for panchira in the first place? I followed a link from the article on one of my more recent discoveries, Princess Resurrection. Yeah, when I’m not busy drinking, or busy being advised by medical professionals to stop drinking, I read a lot of really bad manga. Anyways, there’s a section of the article devoted to instances of indirect panchira– panchira that occurs off camera. [I don’t know how the hell that counts as panchira.] One of the entries reads:
- In an episode of the anime Trigun, a female hostage shoots her captor with a weapon held between her feet, since her hands are tied. The captor’s last words are “They were white.”
This. is. wikipedia.
I have never passed up on an opportunity to look at hentai. Of course, nearly every time I wish wholeheartedly that I had, indeed, passed up on such an opportunity, and swear that next time will be different, next time I won’t find myself weeping frantically as the .GIF of a blue-haired girl who must be at most eight years old repeatedly sprouts an uncircumcised penis from her forehead. But we humans are fickle, masochistic creatures, and our seemingly irrational, anti-Pavlovian behavior– the development of habit in the face of overwhelming disgust, outrage, and physical pain– will sometimes pay off. And by “pay off,” I mean, “horrify me in a truly novel and unusual way”.
The day after I discovered “Lust Train,” I was compelled to share it with pretty much everyone I came into contact with. The sharing of plot details with several staff members present in the office was much appreciated (I say this unironically; this hentai is probably one of the funniest fucking things I have ever encountered on the internet); unfortunately, the person I most wanted to share it with, my co-columnist Kyle, was absent. When I did get a chance to explain “Lust Train,” he was adamant about not hearing about it.
Me: KYLE! I have to tell you about the BEST hentai EVER!
Kyle: Noooooooo.
Me: It is the BEST thing.
Kyle: No, I really don’t want to hear it.
Me: [turns to other staffers] He wants to hear it, right?
Other Staffers: Yes!
Kyle: [relents]
Me: It has all the tropes of an average hentai– schoolgirls, train molestations, tentacles… but with Gundam robots.
Kyle: WHOA.
Now that my “Lust Train” Tourette’s has spiraled into unprecedented heights, I can no longer hold myself back from sharing the best hentai porn in the history of the world, with you, the audience of the Sqlog. (Yes, I am aware that the audience of Sqlog is literally the writing staff of the Sqlog plus one or two bored alumni).
The Sqlog 
What You Should Have Played: Disgaea
May 25, 2009And Here... We... Go!
‘What You Should Have Played’ is exactly what you think it is: a weekly look at the kinda old or very good games that you either missed because of forgivable ignorance or repugnant character flaws. The idea being that after you read my amusing, masterfully written columns, you’ll give these often overlooked games a try.
For my first post, I’ve chosen Disgaea, a hidden gem in the tactical role-playing game genre developed and published by Nippon Ichi Software. The first game in this series was originally released on the Playstation 2 in 2003. Since the original release there have been two sequels and a series of ports to other systems. Each one stars a prince of Hell that seeks to rule over all of the Netherworld while warding off the ambitions of traitorous servants and other devious would-be usurpers. At the prince’s side are a vast cast of fun and cheeky characters.
It sounds like the most derivative and hackneyed thing ever written. Hit the jump to see why it’s worth your time.
Click Here to Read On
Posted in Kyle Smith, What You Should Have Played | Tagged Demonic Penguins as Commentary on Man's Place in the World, Disgaea, japan, Kyle Smith, What You Should Have Played | 1 Comment »