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IRL News: Vote Jerry Brown because it would be hilarious

June 9, 2010

Here at the Squelch, we often write about politics from the perspective of any other jackass college student. We try to do our research and make our ideas entertaining, but we have nothing invested in the system and no idea how it really works. There’s no way you’re going to take us seriously when you know we’ll be tearing your movie tickets in twenty years. We expect no more gratifying role in our culture than that of the village idiot, parading his mental defects before a mirthlessly laughing crowd. You are correct that most of our “political” opinions have to do with legalizing weed. But once in a while, a story comes along that’s exactly our department. Once in a while, our long hours of sculpting the perfect fart joke place us among the most qualified people in the world to comment on an event. And today, our time has come. As a two-year veteran maker-funner-of of things, I can tell you with perfect certainty that Meg Whitman needs to lose this election.

get the money, dolla dolla bill yalllll

It would be the funniest shit in politics since Dick Cheney shot that guy in the face. Think about it. The woman has spend $81 million dollars of her own money on this election. That’s what fifty regular people can expect to earn in a lifetime. That’s $73.56 per vote. And this was just the primary! After dumping a yachtload of bills directly into the eyes of the California public, she’s still about neck-and-neck with a seventy-six-year old nobody really likes. She is the President of Kappa Delta Nu, greasing the palm of the Dean of Students so that he’ll rig the intracollegiate boat race against our ragtag house. She is the captain of the sponsored rollerblading team, spreading gravel on our vert ramp so that we can’t show her up with our fresher moves. She is the sexless billionaire, landing at the wedding in an auto-gyro so that we can’t steal her fiancée by making double entendres about breakfast food. And it is our comic duty to crush her.

If you haven't seen It Happened One Night, *I* don't need to explain that last joke, *you* need to watch that movie

Friends, imagine the monologues! Letterman would have a field day! Jimmy Fallon would come up with something pleasantly amusing! Even the Chinnéd Usurper, the Thrice-Damned, the Host-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, would embarrass his profession less than usual. Stewart and Colbert would barely have to say anything. Matt Stone and Trey Parker might even pull their heads out of their asses and make a decent episode. It all depends on you, dear reader. Vote. Persuade your friends to vote. Persuade your senile, racist grandparents that Election Day is on a Wednesday this year, I know, isn’t it funny, please don’t worry about it, just stay home. Reader, the future of comedy is yours.
Also, legalize weed.

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