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Trailer RoundUp With Brett and David

April 27, 2010

Get it?? Get it!!??!?!

Hey everyone, it’s your old friends Brett and David.  As you all well know, we here at the Sqlog love movies, but if there’s anything that we love more, it’s making snarky comments about those movies from the relative safety of our laptops.  That’s why we decided to take a bunch of trailers for movies that will be coming out and write down our impressions in a way that will be amusing to any hypothetical reader!  Not sure what I’m talking about?  Neither are we!  Click the link to see what the hubbub is all about.

A Nightmare on Elm Street

David: First impressions are that we have the voice of Mr Krabbs from Spongebob in a molotov-cocktail fight with Rorschach, which now that I say it out loud really does sound like box office dynamite.

Brett: Scariest thing so far: “From Producer Michael Bay”

David: I’m surprised this doesn’t take place on an exploding boat.

Brett: You don’t know that.

David: That’s true. For all I know from the trailer it’s about little hands that attack women in tubs. Which, again, would be box office dynamite

Brett: Odds that this remake preserve’s the original’s allusions to the classical Spanish drama “Life is a Dream”: approximately 10 million to 1. But yeah, this looks like an adaptation of Calvin’s Dad’s story of The Disembodied Hand That Strangled People. And you could see the ending to that a mile away.

David: I don’t know anything about this franchise or really anything about the premise, so why does this looks so amazingly predictable to me?

Brett: We covered the “Producer Michael Bay” thing, yes?

David: Maybe I’m just assuming the girl is going to have to fight a giant bagpipe spider at the end.

Brett: Why do you keep writing better versions of this movie?

David: I didn’t, The Simpsons did. Story of my life.

Brett: I am familiar with the works of the Simpsons, thank you. Also Pedro Calderon de la Barca. Anyway, I think we can count on regular slasher shit in slightly more exotic environments than usual. Although I’d be pissed if my subconscious couldn’t come up with a better dream environment than a freakin’ steam tunnel.

David: Makes sense to me. Freddy Kreuger would probably find me in a buffet where all the food is weird-looking and someone I know is dead and I’m strangely comfortable with it.

Brett: Gotta admit I did like the bit where he dramatically ripped off his jacket to reveal the striped sweater underneath. “Ohhh, it’s THAT Freddy Krueger!”

David: Yeah, he’s like Spider-Man, if Spidey’s power were being really wrinkly and having powers that seem to be inconsistently defined throughout the series.

Furry Vengeance

Brett: Hey Hollywood, did I say I wanted to see a woodchuck scream like a woman through dead CGI lips? No, no I did not. David, did you?

David: The market demanded this, or else it would not exist.

Brett: This is like The Birds if Alfred Hitchcock let his three-year-old daughter write it.

David: “Oh, Shit, I’m a Freshman At USC And I Forgot That I Had a Script Due in 12 Hours”: The Film

Brett: Has there ever been a more terrifying movie tagline than “You can’t escape the furry?” I’d say no.

David: Don’t let Elm Street fool you, this is the horror movie event of 2010.

Brett: If this does not end in a horrible killing spree illustrating how history proves again and again how nature cannot abide the folly of men, then there is no justice in the world.

David: I think that’s generally going to be the ending, but with more “A bear farted on Brendan Fraser! Whoops!” than actual death

Brett: I mean, it’s nice to see Brooke Shields making a comeback, but that’s not really what I would call this.

David:I don’t even know what to call this.

Brett: What I would take away from this movie’s title is that there are people out there writing movies who have no access to the Internet. Wasn’t that the title of your thesis, by the way?

David: No, it was “Dramatis Fursonae”, for the record.

Brett: You sir are a better titler of anything than the people who titled this movie.

David:I think a better title for this movie would be “UGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Brett: No argument from me.

David: Or however you would properly spell a death rattle.

The Karate Kid

Brett: Sony wants us to tweet our favorite movie mentors. I choose Darth Sidious.

David: Kathy Bates from Misery #mentors #karatekid #fart

Brett: Actual Mentor from the Iliad. Now it’s time for “Nepotism: the movie.”

David: I’m not going to be the first to point this out, but there’s very clearly no karate in this movie. Karate is a japanese martial art, and they also very specifically mention kung fu several times as opposed to karate.

Brett: Jackie Chan just started beating up little kids. I suddenly feel better about this film.

David: The Kung Fu Kid also, in my brain, is a much more pleasant sounding title. #pedant

Brett: Another from the “no one thought this through” file: Jackie Chan repeating “Jacket off” over and over.

David: Hahaha I didn’t even notice that. Never mind, movie redeemed.

Brett: I’m just going to say what you’re already thinking: Edward Said.

David: What did he say? Thank you, I’m here all night.

Brett: But how is the veal?

David: Hackneyed. Anyway, I like that this movie is aware of its purpose if nothing else. Everything here is to tell us “Okay, yeah, we know you’ve seen this, now here it is again sort of different.”

Brett: I can’t help but think that by failing to watch certain movies over and over as a child, I have lost out on so many opportunities to have my precious memories callously exploited.

David: It’s weird to think about that with this movie, though. I’m really having a hard time figuring out why this was made other than the obvious cash in.

Brett: What do you mean, “other than?”

David: The first Karate Kid is so stupidly bland aside from, like, two scenes, and is basically only supported by a catch phrase and one iconic shot, so I can’t figure out why it’s so stuck in our collective memory. Then again, this is the society that is making a “MacGruber” movie, so…

Brett: You watch anything enough times, it’s a classic. Also I guess set a template for a million equally or more bland knockoffs.

Iron Man 2

Brett: Gonna be honest, I’m having a hard time making fun of that. “Don Cheadle in a robot suit” just doesn’t put me in any mood other than fevered anticipation. “In Hotel Rwanda he saved hundreds of lives… now he’s ready to take some!”

David: I just want this to be the one where they get into Stark’s substance abuse

Brett: Pretty likely, actually.

David: Good. I’m sorry, but that’s partially the only thing that interests me about Iron Man. It’s the alcoholism and his amazing goatee

Brett: He’s already done the “realizing being a weapons manufacturer makes you a dick” character arc, so that’s the logical next step. Actually the goatee’s only in the movie, so…He has a nice mustache in the comics, anyway.

David: Even better! I should get around to reading them if mustaches are involved.

Brett: Mustaches are ALWAYS INVOLVED. But don’t read the early stuff unless you enjoy reading Captain Jingo’s Commie-Bashin’ Good Times.

David: All right. This is just us having a fun conversation about comics now. Let’s get to some more ridiculous fare.

Resident Evil: Afterlife

David: Oh, come on, really? We’re really gonna make 14 of these?

Brett: Does it say that? Oh god I have to watch this right now.

David: There are, like, as many movies as games now and they haven’t even gotten to the “wantonly killing Spaniards/Africans” part of the series.

Brett: I have to wonder why a zombie apocalypse would result in everything getting set on fire.

David: That seems to be a pretty common theme. I guess there are a lot of jobs in normal society that involve making sure things dont have fire on them, and once zombies come in, those few brave souls are the first to go.

Brett: Oh look at you, you used James Cameron’s fancy-pants new cameras. That’s your main selling point, is it? That and airplanes. Wait, why is she fighting Neo?

David: That character is named “Wexer” and sunglasses are basically his entire personality.

Brett: This trailer makes so many things that aren’t sense.

David: What is it about a giant zombie in a butcher’s apron with a giant steampunk hammer that doesn’t make sense to you?

Brett: So Alice becomes the first non-zombie to fly solo across the United States, fights a medieval executioner, cops, and Not-Neo, and then jumps off a building to her death. That’s what I’m getting here. Unless there’s a twist ending involving more airplanes.

David: Probably. There always is.

Brett: It’s airplanes all the way down.

David: Airplanes and falling and shooting and Avenged Sevenfold.

Brett: As a side note, all this shooting has successfully switched the Zevon song in my head from Mr. Bad Example to Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner. So there’s that.

David: Always a silver lining.

Robin Hood

Brett: Oh movie, why must you open with a reggae beat and than betray it? If this whole trailer were scored to The Harder They Come, I would be behind it 100%. Also, Ridley Scott’s college thesis: History Is Fucking Awful

David: Everything Ridley Scott touches turns to slow motion-decapitation-porn, and honestly I’m pretty okay with that.

Brett: “The Hero Behind the Outlaw?” Is there any way in which that makes sense?

David: Haha, that is the most obtuse way to say anything about anything.

Brett: Maybe Batman stands directly behind Russel Crowe at all times during this movie. It’s actually an episode of The Brave And The Bold.

David: Possible, but unlikely. This movie couldn’t have come at a better time in American history. How many Yahoo Movies user reviews consisting of “NO SOCIALEST” or “WHERE THE BIRTH CERTIFICTE ROBIN HOOD” do you think we’re going to see?

Brett: Here’s how every pitch of a Robin Hood movie should go:

“Oh, you want to make a Robin Hood movie?”
“Yeah.”

“Are you Errol Flynn?”

“No.”

“Get the fuck out.”

David: I would agree, but Errol Flynn unfortunately didn’t survive to the era in film making where we can cut people’s heads off in slow motion.

Brett: He was always more of a stabbing guy anyway.

David: I don’t want to nitpick, but watching it again, “The Story Behind the Legend” is an odd choice, too.

Brett: There is no story behind the legend! It’s just a legend which is itself a story! AAARRRGHH!

David: It was like they had four words they got out of a focus group and then drew them out of a hat for the order they’d put them in.

Brett: THE NOUN BEHIND THE SYNONYM

David:THE TALE BEHIND THE MYTH

Brett: THE SAGA BEHIND THE NARRATIVE

David: THE EVENT BEFORE THE SITUATION

Brett: THE RACONTEUR BEHIND THE SCALAWAG

David: THE MAN BEHIND THE OTHER WORD FOR MAN

Brett: THE NE’ER-DO-WELL BEHIND THE BOUNDER.

THE ROGUE BEHIND THE PALADIN wait, shit.

Prince of Persia

David: From the production powerhouse behind “That Movie Where Ethnic-Sounding Hamsters Fart For 76 Minutes”

Brett: The poster of this trailer complains about Jake Gylenhaaaaaal’s casting based on his “too smiling face,” which is at most the third biggest problem with that casting. Jake Gylllllennnnhhaaaaallll in “Prince of Iowa”

David: Maybe this is pointless to complain about, since it’s just a hollywood standard, but really? British accents?

Brett: Oi! ‘E’s stolen the magic dagger, ‘e ‘as! I seen it wif me own ois! KINGSLEY.

David: If this movie was anywhere near accurate to the original Price of Persia game, it would just Gylenhall dying over and over again because he didn’t jump at just the right pixel until he throws away the CD ROM.

Brett: Jerry Bruckheimer Films presents Zac Efron in GENGHIS KHAN

David: Justin Bieber is….SHAKA ZULU

Brett: Djimon Hounsou IS “Henry Ford.” OH GOD THEY’RE RECYCLING BANTER FROM TEMPLE OF FUCKING DOOM

David: They’re using a premise from a video game about falling on top of knives, so breathtaking originality was probably pretty low on the priority list to begin with.

Brett: Prince of Persia and his sidekick, Princess of Exposition! How long until Jerry Bruckheimer just makes a movie comprised entirely of people escaping from huge crumbling buildings, with no attempt at plot whatsoever? It would probably get better reviews.

David: I’m going to be honest, I would pay to see “Falling-Building-Out-Of-Runner” and any sequels thereof

Brett: Yeah, me too. Also: George Lopez in THE LIFE OF EMPEROR WU DI

David:Yeah, I’d pay for that, too.

Brett: I’d attempt to quote a line, but I’ve never seen George Lopez do anything so I’m utterly out of comic ammunition. For all I know he’d do a fine job.

David:“Our families are big, and sometimes my parents were borderline abusive.” That’s basically it as far as I can tell.

Brett: I’d like to think that this movie is part of our attempt to better our relations with Iran by assuring them that their history is exactly the same as every other ancient society. Which is to say, British.

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One comment

  1. Incredibly great writing! Truely..



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