Profiles in Genius – Dan Quinn

February 10, 2010

This week we will be taking the briefest of glimpses into the life of the only person that I have been comfortable with referring to as the World’s Greatest American Hero in the Universe, Daniel M Quinn.  I know what you’re saying right now as that name rings several bells in your head: “Dan Quinn?  The world-famous MMA fighter and boxer who broke Bond Lapua’s collarbone and is way younger than 42?”  Well, yes, but that’s a little Dan Quinn 101, if you ask me.  Because beneath the surface of this ripply, fast-handed man-god lies the most brilliant, shining soul imaginable, and, as it may just turn out, this world’s only hope for salvation.

Find out more about Dan Quinn after the jump.

Dan Quinn is a 42-year-old MMA fighter who believes that he has discovered cold fission and the fountain of youth in the form of Stevia, a sugar alternative, that when blended in tap water will cause all the toxic material in the water to float to the top in the form of soapy suds, leaving the pure water on the bottom, which apparently cures cancer, brings dead cats back to life, and makes you really good at smoking weed.  After being kicked out of Notre Dame following an accusation of attempted rape, he believes he was contacted by an angel, who told him that his true name is Maitreya and that he will become the richest man on the planet.  It is now his life’s goal to get a scientist to validate the Stevia-blended-in-water “miracle” so that he can become Maitreya and then do something with God or something.  The story changes randomly and rapidly, often within the same sentence.

How do I know about this?  I’ve never met Dan Quinn personally, he doesn’t have any devoted webpage to speak of save a somewhat unimpressive fight record from some awful-looking promoter’s site, and he’s not even a proper “viral” Internet celebrity.  Yet.  Everything I’ve learned about Dan Quinn and the terrifying world he lives in comes from the 11-minute videos he posts to Youtube, of which he produces an average of two a day.  All of these videos are essentially the same: Dan talks directly to the camera for almost exactly 11 minutes, usually in his squalid room in various states of shirtlessness, but he’ll occasionally mix it up by smoking weed in his car or film an older video on his computer screen and provide additional commentary on top of himself talking.

He fills up these eleven minutes by continually bringing up material from a list of talking points.  Here is a rough compilation of the things that he says in every video:

  • Blending Stevia in water is cold fusion.  It causes a safe explosion and a white bubbly natural gas soup/soap (his standing on whether or not it is soup or soap also changes randomly and rapidly)
  • Stevia brought his mom’s cat back to life after it was better off dead, and only after the cat started drinking regular tap water did its health start to turn again.
  • Several years ago he beat up five guys in a restaurant or something, and it was like something out of a movie.
  • He has invented an oral sex technique called “The Violin” where the performer puts two fingers in and up to the G-spot while the other hand lightly presses against the first hand through the skin of the lower stomach, and the receiver’s clitoris is “played like a swizzle-stick flute.”  No mention is given as to what a swizzle-stick flute is.
  • “The Violin” works.
  • He was kicked out of Notre Dame for an attempted rape he didn’t even do, and the priests knew it, and told the university that “they better settle.”  Regardless of this “slam dunk” defense, he was still expelled.
  • Something about a football game at Notre Dame where he did something at “fourth and inches” that is supposed to be very impressive, but it is very unclear what he actually did.
  • “It’s like this.”
  • He doesn’t work out at all, he smokes weed all day and eats like a pig, but he still looks way younger than 42 and very recently dunked a basketball for the first time.
  • He is the original inspiration for the Bad Boy Club logo.
  • The world is dying because of the evil rich, who have more money than they could ever possibly spend, and who are putting all of the toxins in water that only Stevia can extract.
  • “Oh my God.”
  • Constant mentions of the Vagos Clubhouse and events that have or hypothetically will transpire there.
  • Using “The Violin,” he gave a rape survivor triple digit orgasms for two hours.  This is often followed by him saying “Cha-Ching!”
  • He survived a “brutal” 15-punch combination from Bond Lapua, and then broke his collarbone.
  • He got a PHD at Stanford University to admit, after thinking about it for a few seconds, that if you took all the water out of a car’s fuel tank, it would sit and smoke, which incontrovertibly proves his Stevia hypothesis somehow.
  • He has perfected a weed-smoking technique using an orange peel that allows him to get 10 to 15 hits out of a bowl, easy.  This saves him money and lets him get very high.
  • Women used to rule the planet, but then men took it over, and he’s going to lead a revolution to get women on top again.  “The Violin” will play a huge part in this.
  • When he was young, someone of unknown relation to him handcuffed him to a tree and made him stand there for several hours.
  • He is going to take someone behind something and let immigrants go at their ass for $40 a pop.  He will also wax their ass.
  • “Hand-speed”
  • “Throwing hands.”
  • “Beeeeep! Gotta keep it G-rated.”
  • He needs a woman to let him use “The Violin” on her on camera, which result in “the most famous video of all time”
  • “Trust and believe.”

That’s actually not even a proper list of everything that he brings up, but he manages to sneak in a good 60% of the things on that list into every video he uploads, in between the threats to whoever it is that he’s angry at, or calls for attention from whichever scientist/talk show host/President of the United States he’s appealing to, on that particular day.  It’s kind of astounding and impressive all at once, like some Frank Lutz-trained politician or pundit who knows that the most effective way of defining the discourse is through continually repeated ten-word-phrases, which he spouts out like a tedious, insane computer.  It’s like his ludicrous mannerisms have become idiomatic in his own personal cultural narrative.  You could make a drinking game out of choosing just one of the items on the above and taking a shot every time he mentions it over the course of three videos, and you’d be hammered well before the second video ended.

Don’t believe me?  Just take a look at some of these videos.  These particular videos are just my favorites, but you can honestly watch anything he produces and he’ll still mention at least one full third of the things I put on that list:

Dan Quinn Appeals to Obama

Dan Quinn Making Stevia

Dan Quinn Berates His Former Coach

A Dan Quinn Classic: Dan Quinn In His Car With His Mother

Dan Quinn Talks Over A Video Of Him Jumping Rope And Talking

There is so much wonder in the canon of Dan Quinn, that it feels unfair to limit your exposure to these videos.  I heartily reccomend visiting his channel and watching everything he’s put up, they are incredibly addictive.  And if you don’t watch every video, you end up missing so many little treats, like Dan Quinn Taunting a Homosexual Who Just Gave Him Money, or Shaderack, Dan Quinn’s Rapper Friend and Bard, Telling the Story of Dan Quinn.  It’s like this, homeboy, do yourself a favor and start watching Dan Quinn, and get on Stevia.  Oh my God.  Hand-speed.


One comment

  1. […] genitals.  Maybe they were both drinking from the same water supply.  They should probably both get on stevia, I’ll tell you that […]

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