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Spartacus: Hurf and Durf

February 2, 2010

INT – CHEAP DUNGEON SET FROM LIFE OF BRIAN, DAY

SPARTACUS sits on a plank in the SLAVE’S QUARTERS of the arena, contemplating his mortality BARECHESTEDLY.  He thinks of HIS WIFE and misses her A WHOLE BUNCH.  Suddenly, ANNOYING BROTHER FROM THE MUMMY walks into frame menacingly.  He is Spartacus’ owner and he is going to use Spartacus to his advantage in a way which isn’t really clear no matter how many times they try to clunkily explain it.

ANNOYING MUMMY BROTHER

“All right Spartacus, are you ready to go into the fake-looking greenscreen arena and fight…for your life?

Spartacus PONDERS for a moment.  He seemingly has nothing left in his life to fight for, and yet he still presses forward.  Whoa, he seems to think, this is an entirely original concept; utterly groundbreaking for this or any other genre. He is CORRECT.

SPARTACUS

“Listen, guy from The Mummy, because I’m only going to say this once per episode.  My name isn’t Spartacus, and I’m only doing this because I think I will be able to get my wife back by doing it for some reason.”

There is a tense PAUSE.

ANNOYING MUMMY BROTHER

“Okay, whatever.”

A SWEET guitar lick plays.

CUT TO an OVERHEAD SHOT of the Coliseum, done in astoundingly unconvincing CGI.  Our view swoops in dramatically to the sand of the arena floor, where GLADIATORS are cutting each others limbs off in SLO-MO.  Behind them is a crowd full of bloodthirsty spectators, or, more precisely, THE SAME SIX SPECTATORS repeated about two hundred times.  They are cheering on SPARTACUS and some other gladiator who will probably die by having a SWORD thrown into his MOUTH.

SPARTACUS

(Sweatily)

“I can’t wait to throw my sword.”

MEANWHILE, we CUT TO our villain LEGATUS about to have sex with LUCY LAWLESS, who TOTALLY GETS NAKED ON THIS SHOW.

LUCY LAWLESS

(Nakedly)

“I hope that you’re ready to have sex with me, as is our wont in this decadent, corrupt society that no other show on a premium cable channel has ever demonstrated more effectively and more entertainingly than us.”

LEGATUS

“Yes, I am, but first I have to explain that I’m only doing this to further my own ambition and to exact my revenge on the guy from The Mummy.”

LUCY LAWLESS

“I’m only having sex with you to further my agenda as well.  It’s so convenient that every bit of political intrigue on this show is book-ended by people fu–“

Legatus INTERRUPTS her by having sex with her.

CUT TO the Coliseum again, where we see two BEEFY GLADIATORS waiting in the wings, discussing the match.  Their DICKS are totally just out, it’s RIDICULOUS.

BEEFY GLADIATOR #1

“That Spartacus guy is such a piss.  I’m going to shit the piss out of that twat.”

BEEFY GLADIATOR #2

“That fuck is going to drive me out of my cock.  I can’t wait to piss his cock until it shits.”

BEEFY GLADIATOR #1

“Piss.”

BEEFY GLADIATOR #2

“Cunts.”

CUT BACK to Spartacus, who is completely covered in in blood SOMEHOW.  He is now fighting twelve gladiators AT ONCE, and is managing to slit many of their throats open by punching them in the neck.  Every time a wound is opened, everything slows down and blood splashes out LIKE WE’RE IN A GNARLS BARKLEY MUSIC VIDEO OR SOMETHING.  With all the slo-mo and WINDOWS MOVIE MAKER blood explosion effects, this fight easily takes twenty-five minutes.

SPARTACUS

“Maybe I am Spartacus!  Man, what with all this poorly-paced action and pre-2002 visual effects, you’d never know this show was done by the same people that made Cleopatra 2525 and Jack of all Trades! I bet my inclusion in the pantheon of premium cable shows, combined with my huge marketing blitz, won’t bring about a new era of low-quality, exploitative shows with all the violence and crudity of Deadwood without any of the things that made Deadwood remotely watchable — Aw, fuck it!”

Spartacus throws his sword from across the arena into a GLADIATOR’s mouth, causing his arms to explode off of his body like bottle rockets.  Cue Linkin Park song.

FIN

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