My Spec Script: The Wire Season 18

February 1, 2010

As you might imagine, this particular bit of tomfoolery wouldn’t fly in the magazine, since we have a Wire-related thing in it already. But hell, I wrote it, it’s not going anywhere, you might as well chuckle at it. FYI: I haven’t seen the end of the series yet, so I only named three characters in case the rest might be dead. If one of the three is in fact dead, for the love of God don’t tell me about it.

Scenes From The Wire Season 18

As David Simon’s hard-hitting drama nears the end of its second decade, the series shifts its setting to the next failing institution of Baltimore, Maryland: health inspection.

Grouchy Health Inspector Chief: Dammit, I can’t have that unpredictable headcase McNulty ruining my petty office politics and personal vendettas! Why can’t he buy into our self-serving, amoral ethos like everyone else!

Hardworking Health Inspector: McNulty is good health inspection, Chief. It’s just that after he quit his job at the police force, high school, newspaper, courthouse, welfare office, weather service, and electric company, he’s feeling a little disillusioned. Give him time and I’m sure he’ll come up with an improbably elaborate conspiracy involving both food safety and everyone he’s ever met over the past eighteen years.

Grouchy Health Inspector Chief: Fuckety shit balls pussy.

Hardworking Health Inspector: Haha, you say that about everybody.

(Elsewhere, AVON BARKSDALE’s mob is opening its latest front company, Barksdale Burger.)

Henchman: Got that curly fries here. You know you want that curly fries.

Avon: Stupid, that ain’t how you say it. You say “Our special today is curly fries.”

Henchman: I thought we changed the name of the product to “curly fries.”

Avon: No, the product name is “angry leftist.” Do you even know what a front company does?

(HEALTH INSPECTOR MCNULTY enters, drunkenly.)

McNulty: Well well, if it ain’t my old pal Avon Barkshdale. Sure hope there’sh no problemsh in yer kitchen, or I’ll have to busht you.

Avon: You know I run a clean organization, McNulty. I’d hate to find a… rat somewhere.

(AVON and MCNULTY make their respective WEIRD FACES at each other. They pause to let the symbolism sink in.)

Customer: So, do you guys have curly fries or not?

(Elsewhere, OMAR wanders into an unrelated part of the city.)

Omar: (looking directly into the camera) Oh, indeed.

(OMAR leaves.)

(MCNULTY’s Health Inspection detail meets to discuss their latest case.)

That One Guy With The Chin: If we could only get a court order for a tap on Stop ‘n’ Gorge’s restrooms, we could track the source of that weird smell all the way back to the big boss!

Upright Lieutenant: No chance, people. Mayor Corruptington hauled me into his office and said this case might disrupt his daughter’s debutante ball, so they’re shutting us down. I think maybe we’re hitting a little close to home.

McNulty: No! Just one more week on those phones and we could take out the whole city’s pest problem!

Upright Lieutenant: Sorry, McNulty. The System won’t allow it.



One comment

  1. […] Today found this great post, here is a quick excerpt : My Spec Script: The Wire Season 18. February 1, 2010. As you might imagine, this particular bit of tomfoolery wouldn’t fly in the magazine, since we have a Wire-related thing in it already. But hell, I wrote it, it’s not going anywhere, … Read the rest of this great post Here […]

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