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“Serious” Business: MoveOn The Movie

August 4, 2009

Finally! Accomplished spammers and sometime political activists MoveOn.Org have given the American public what it craves: a movie about MoveOn.Org! Yes, they’ve gone and made a feature-length documentary about what MoveOn.Org calls “the biggest progressive grass-roots movement seen in the United States since the 1960s!” Can you believe it?! For only twenty freakin’ dollars you! can become the proud owner of the first-ever feature-length movie by MoveOn, for MoveOn! Ah, but fellas, fellas, don’t take my word for it. Just go ahead and suck some trailer up in your eye sockets!

Is this gonna be the most blatantly masturbatory film since The Brown Bunny? The most transparently self-congratulatory work since the Sqlog? The stupidest conceivable waste of donor money? Yes! Yes! GOD yes!

So they start the trailer by classing it right the fuck up with some Katrina footage.

Don't worry, guys, MoveOn will save you!

Don't worry, guys, MoveOn will save you!

Remember Katrina? Hurricane Katrina? The one that killed thousands and made life Hell for thousands? MoveOn thinks you might have forgotten it. Then we just sprinkle in some Iraq footage…

President Bush was so evil, he even sent The A-Team into harm's way.

Iraq was so rough, we had to send The A-Team.

So apparently the Bush administration was pretty evil. But the folks at MoveOn made it all better! How? By grinning America’s problems into submission!

grin

Just look at that motherfucking grin. That’s the kind of grinning that brings a country together. That’s the kind of grinning that builds up an organization of 5 million members. Wait, what? Apparently, because MoveOn sends emails to 5 million people, they have 5 million “members”. This is the logic by which Berkeley College Republicans is the biggest organization on campus. About 4,500,000 of those people are just too lazy or too confused to get taken off the listserv, but that’s good enough for MoveOn!

The trailer also features hip celebrity cameos from Al Gore, John Kerry and Michael Moore. It’s possible that MoveOn is so caught up in their Bush-era roots that they think these people are still relevant, but I’m guessing that they couldn’t find any other Democrats who’d agree to appear in this movie. Barack Obama dashing off a polite thank-you note. Hillary Clinton “accidentally” deleting their email. Rahm Emmanuel having an assistant call them back. “Rahm says thanks for your support, and he’s really stoked about your little movie, but he’s pretty much booked up these next few months and… um… have you tried Michael Moore?”

The silliest part is that they claim to have been responsible for Barack Obama’s victory. Besides the obvious reason — everybody was fucking sick of Bush — Obama’s Democratic Party took back power from the Republicans the same way Apple took back market share from Microsoft. A tightly regimented organization, a meticulous marketing campaign, and an obsessive focus on a few key points. Saying MoveOn was responsible for this is like saying the Slackware Linux forums were responsible for the iPhone.

There are also some hilarious clips of Bill O’Reilly and George Bush denouncing MoveOn, because as we all know, if a big enough douche says you’re wrong, you must be right, always!

bill

He calls them "radical lunatics" just because they say insane things far outside of the political mainstream! What a twat!

And of course, in case their street cred was in doubt, MoveOn closes by bumpin’ Public Enemy in the background. Power to the people ’cause the people want PEACE! Power to the people ’cause the people want PEACE!

Power to the… Eh… Well, trust me, it’s not any cooler when they do it.

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