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The Internet in Brief: 7/22/09

July 22, 2009

Hippo Time!!!

The first is very old (like a year!) but I still find it horrifically creepy. I guess it’s still not as bad as that research project on remote controlled beetles… :(

There’s a lot of fucking weird shit out there, and as a sheltered liberal arts major, I reserve the right to be really freaked out by it.

  • Oh, remember four years ago, when your math SAT II score wasn’t in the 90th percentile and your parents regretted giving birth to you? Ahaha, oh right, you’re not me. Riley Waggaman has a new blog, where he gets to hate on college counselors, college fundraisers, college everything, just like we do, except with real facts and real quotes!

“It’s annoying when people complain about the money,” the Vermont-based counselor, Michele Hernandez, said. “I’m at the top of my field. Do people economize when they have a brain tumor and are looking for a neurosurgeon? If you want to go with someone cheaper, or chance it, don’t hire me.”

Burn. kill. destroy.

  • Remember how the whole Panda thing was a really big fucking deal and all those coop kids kept getting in your face with self-righteous rhetoric, while all those fratty assholes kept complaining about how there’s not enough disgusting faux Chinese in Berkeley? I’m glad that there are people out there who really honestly think that Panda is an affordable student-friendly option, because that means there are parents out there who still pay for their kids’ shit! The last thing I got out of my parents was a dying houseplant and a demand to know why I’m at Berkeley and not at Harvard… I’d like to know that as well; at least at Harvard I’d have 24 hour study time at the library during finals week.

Anyways, Panda might be out, but the shit is still on, with lots of anonymous commenters complaining about the horrible food at Heavenly Foods they probably never tried because there’s perfectly good corporate faux Mexican across the street– though you know, that kind of gets old when you eat it every day ifyouknowwhatmean. (Paaaaanda…)

The latest Daily Cal comment disaster involves some non-anonymous jerkoff blabbing about how the shutting down of Heavenly Foods is exactly what students want and need, thanks to some survey.

Oh yeah, that survey, the one that Beetle Aurora “Huge Fucking Oatfield-lovin’ Hippie” Drake wrote about here. Quoth my favorite Green-Party-voting-tofu-eating-gun-control-espousing blogger:

The questions are clearly designed to elicit a “Yay Lower Sproul spending” response, and discount those who don’t want to see it.

In short, it is pretty obvious which side I fall on in the Panda debate, but that is not even the point.

I am fucking sick of the shitty rhetoric surrounding the “controversy” and I am fucking sick of people talking shit about Heavenly Foods as though suddenly doubling rent is a fair and logical policy, as though being spiteful to small business is the same as being “in touch” with student concerns, as though Heavenly Foods deserves to go out of business.

You guys fucking suck as people. At times like this I really wish I could puke at will so I could go around to all your frat houses and barf on your shoes. Then I would stare wordlessly into your soulless, empty eyes and pray to the god that isn’t there, pray that one day you will be reincarnated as a big old plate of orange chicken. And then I will eat you with a large Mountain Dew, and I will cry.

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