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My Spec Script: True Blood

July 17, 2009

Everybody knows that TV screenwriting is the surest possible route to fame, riches and poontang. And no show’s hotter right now than HBO’s sexy vampire drama, True Blood. So root for me, boys, I’m goin’ for that brass ring! Now, my new bosses at HBO (Nosferatu willing) probably won’t want me spoiling the story to people who aren’t “in the business,” as we in the business say. But what the Hell, you people are too good to me. Here are some choice excerpts!

INT. CRAPPY SOUTHERN HOUSE.
We see THE HEROINE, a SPUNKY NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD with STRAIGHT BLONDE HAIR. We’ll call her… DUFFY? MUFFY? SHMARAH SHMICHELLE SHMELLAR? Fuck it, we’ll call her SOOKIE.

SOOKIE: Gram-maw, we’re gonna be late for Baptist church!
Cut to GRAM-MAW, who looks REALLY OLD but not TOTALLY GROSS.
GRAM-MAW: Oh, we’ve some time yet, dear. How about some grits and red-eye coffee?
SOOKIE: No thanks, I already had a turducken out of the fridge.
Is this shit SOUTHERN enough? Christ, I need a KOMBUCHA.
GRAM-MAW: Just don’t let your boyfriend get fresh. Your vampire boyfriend!

He vants to suck her... blood?

And if that don't bring you in, titties oughta.

INT. TV talk show
PREACHER: In conclusion, vampires are different from us, and the Bible tells us to shun those who are different, and blame them for problems they can’t possibly have caused.
VAMPIRE SPOKESWOMAN: Isn’t this allegory a little transparent?
PREACHER: That’s rich, coming from a woman with no reflection.
V. SPOKESWOMAN: That’s vampire racist! Vampires in this universe reflect just fine!
I think?
PREACHER: But you still feed on the blood of the living.
V. SPOKESWOMAN: Not anymore. We subsist on Tru Blood, a perfect human blood synthetic produced in Japan.
PREACHER: That cinches it! Even human blood is less disgusting than Japanese soft drinks! Now would you please tell me what “allegory” means?

INT. SAM’S BAR
SOOKIE, v.o.: It’s tough being a bar waitress who can read minds.
Oh yeah, SOOKIE can READ MINDS because WHY NOT?
SOOKIE, v.o.: All these ignorant rednecks think about is boning me.
DRUNK REDNECK, thinking: Hey cutie, how’sabout I take you back to my place and–
SOOKIE, prim: Excuse me?
SOUSED YOKEL, thinking: Sweetie, I’d jest love to bend you over and–
SOOKIE sets down a pitcher a little too hard.
WASTED HILLBILLY, thinking: –Oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and–
SOOKIE, v.o.: Most of ’em, anyway.

The black one. The black one is the sassy one.

Go on, guess which one is the sassy one.

EXT. Totally dark cemetery
SOOKIE strolls through the spooky, meaningful fog with BILL, an antebellum gentleman turned vampire. He is MAN-PRETTY, in a DEAD-PERSON sort of way.

SOOKIE: You know, considering that everyone we know is a sexed-up vampire, our relationship is actually pretty tame.
BILL: How do you mean?
SOOKIE: Well, you’ve spirited me to a totally dark cemetery, but we’re only here to meet the Draculabergs for bridge.
BILL: You don’t like the Draculabergs?
SOOKIE: I love the Draculabergs! It’s just, don’t you think–
BILL looks into SOOKIE’s eyes. Their glance smolders. An eternity seems to pass.
SOOKIE, sotto voce: I love you.
BILL: Okay, remember. A bid of four no-trumps means you want information about my high cards.

INT. VAMPIRE PARTY
Creepy VAMPIRE DANCE MUSIC plays. A bunch of BISEXUAL VAMPIRES sway BISEXUALLY. SOOKIE enters with BILL.

VAMPIRE #1: It’s so cool that you’re bisexual! I’m bisexual too!
VAMPIRE #2: Yeah, it’s crazy, I– Wait. I smell human.
VAMPIRE #1: Nah, that’s just that Sookie girl who comes to all our vampire parties. We’re going to menace her, then Bill’s going to scowl and say “She’s mine.” It’s really not worth the trouble.
VAMPIRE #2: Too bad. I’d have liked to have vampire sex with her.
BILL, scowling: She’s mine.
VAMPIRE #1: We know.
SOOKIE: I feel so menaced!
Smash cut to credits.

It caught on in a flash!

It was a graveyard smash!

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One comment

  1. womp…wompppp…womppppppppppppp!!!! :(



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