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Porn on Tuesdays – Bound to Please

July 14, 2009

back 2 basics, folks

Howdy, faithful Porn-on-Tuesdays readers!  Sorry I didn’t post last week, but Michael Jackson died, and God damn if I wasn’t going to make fun of a dead man!  This week, we’ll be getting back to the bread and butter of Porn on Tuesdays, which is introducing you to weird fetishes that you, the reader, have likely never heard of.  This was essentially the purpose of this feature when I started it, because I’d venture to say that I know a bit more about people getting boners over gigantic rabbits farting than the typical human, and I wanted to share this information with you for some reason.  However, I’m starting to run out of fetishes that I have an intimate knowledge of that other people do not.  So it is in this post that I, for the first time, will be doing a significant amount of research for the topic.

The topic in question?  Bondage Gear. Bondage itself is an interesting sociological artifact; it’s much to large and broad to truly be called a singular fetish, it has a rich and deep history and seems to permeate all societies in one manner or another, which suggests a transcultural and primal human desire, worthy of objective scholastic consideration.  Right, then, let’s look at what these weirdos like to put on their wieners!

oh no how will i move my head now.

oh no how will i move my head now.

Another thing that makes bondage interesting is the fact that it, much more than the other fetishes I’ve covered, is so community and scene-based.  I’m not sure why, actually.  It might be because some bondage positions call upon multiple participants either as partners or as witnesses to humiliation.  Maybe the slight risk involved necessitates a kind of expertise hierarchy and system of spotters and assistants, creating the need for established groups to facilitate safe practice.  Perhaps it’s simply that groups inevitably form up from the huge amount of enthusiasts — after all, bondage is comparatively a hugely common sexual activity.  Clearly, not everyone is throwing themselves into latex coffins that simulate smothering, but a lot of people try at least light bondage before they die. And as far as fetishes go, I certainly see the appeal in being tied to a post and hit with a belt much more than I do in pretending to be a pregnant vampire in an AOL chat room.

Anyway, because of this huge base of practitioners, bondage itself is a kind of fairly legitimate industry.  There’s a service sector (dominatrices and the like), a distribution and management sector (clubs), and, where the leathery, sweat-covered meat of this post is, an industrial production sector (bondage gear manufacturing).  The products of this wing tend to serve very specific purposes, and as such, are often really goofy-looking, if not totally retarded in premise.  How about a few examples!

The Butt Hook

Yarrr!

Yarrr!

Uses: As some of you more astute readers may have already guessed (you readers are so fucking astute!), the Butt Hook is a hook that one slides into the butt ball-end first, leaving the eye of the hook to be tied to some other thing.  Apparently a lot of people use it for Hair Bondage by tying one’s ponytail or a rope attached thereof to the hook, forcing the bondee to arch their back.  I actually just learned of Hair Bondage’s existence.  My original mental image of it was trapping one’s hair in a birdcage-like apparatus, but that would just be silly.  Clearly, using hair as a rope to hitch someone to their own butt is much more sane.

Alternative Uses: Giant Novelty Fish Hook; Smelly Coat Hanger.

Potential Horrible Health Risk: The producers of Butt Hooks advise that you not hang anyone up by the Butt Hook unless you want some fucking Silent Hill shit going down.

The Mouth Corset

Rest of Darth Malak costume not included

Rest of Darth Malak costume sold separately

Uses: The Mouth Corset is designed to completely muffle one’s speech via a thick sheet of latex over the mouth, and unlike the Regular Corset, does not cause your vagina to go inside out.  I can only assume that the typical Mouth Corset user is a discerning costumer who enjoys the utility of a normal mouth-gag, but who also likes to waste huge amounts of money in order to make people’s necks look like black Doric columns.

Alternative Uses: Road Warrior-Scenario Neck Armor.

Potential Horrible Health Risk: According to a website I’m reading now, it is important not to vomit while wearing this.  Great news, though, it also says this is specifically designed to stimulate the gag reflex.  Those bondage people, they’re always thinking!

The Serving Tray

At least she looks like she's having a good time, right folks?

At least she looks like she's having a good time, right folks?

Uses: Tired of only objectifying women figuratively?  The Serving Tray magically turns your significant other into a table, making all your wildest table-themed fantasies come alive!

Alternative Uses: Actually, to be perfectly honest, I have found myself in situations where having one of these hanging off my neck would be pretty useful, like waiting in line for something and not wanting to hold my drink any more.  Purely practical purposes.

Potential Horrible Health Risk: Tripping-Induced-Decapitation (Final Destination-characters only).

The Humbler

Oh man, that looks great!  What does it do?

Oh man, that looks great! What does it do?

Uses: So, uh, The Humbler is used to pull the…It’s…You put your balls…It’s hard to explain.  Just look at here on this helpful terrifying German website (NSFW).  Did you look?  Just look at it, I’m not some kind of explaining-awkward-ball-position wizard.

Alternative Uses: Yoke For A Plow Pulled by The Tiniest Ox; Yoke For A Plow Pulled by Your Balls.

Potential Horrible Health Risk: I can’t think of any kind of potential harm this could do to any specific body part.  Seems 100% safe in every circumstance.

Three-Legged Bloomers

I wonder how you explain this to the person you're giving it to as a gift.

I wonder how you explain this to the person you're giving it to as a gift.

Uses: I know what you’re thinking.  Three-Legged Bloomers must have a million and one uses!  Apparently, though, most people use them to force their partner to perform fellatio, albeit a very constricted and narrowly-defined version of fellatio.  Man, this is stupid.

Alternative Uses: Actual Bloomers For Someone Who Actually Has Three Legs But His Or Her Third Leg Is Suspiciously Shaped Like A Human Head Sucking A Dick.

Potential Horrible Health Risk: I’m going to assume there’s some sort of breathing holes in that thing, but if not there’s a relatively high risk of suffocation once all the air in that penis runs out.

The Inflatable Mask

This is what The Matrix would have looked like if I directed it.

This is what The Matrix would have looked like if I directed it.

Uses: Looking like a retard.

Alternative Uses: Looking like a retard.

Potential Horrible Health Risk: Slight chance of eye damage, substantially higher chance of looking like a retard.

Well, that’s it for this week.  I leave you with another Safe for Work Fetish!

THE SFW FETISH FOR 7/14/09

INFLATABLE WHALE-HUMPING

Maybe, this is cheating, since I already did a PoT about balloons and inflatables, but look at this fucking guy.  He looks like Joe the Plumber/Hobo-Fisherman.  What do YouTube people have to say about this one?

Nice! Ride that whale! I love the inflatables!

Hot!

I loved it but don’t pop the whale, i love inflatables.
people call me inflatlover. so pleeeeeeeeeeeease
don’t pop the whale.

Ugh.

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