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Weeaboo Wednesday: “Lust Train” Pt. 1

May 6, 2009

weeaboo

I have never passed up on an opportunity to look at hentai. Of course, nearly every time I wish wholeheartedly that I had, indeed, passed up on such an opportunity, and swear that next time will be different, next time I won’t find myself weeping frantically as the .GIF of a blue-haired girl who must be at most eight years old repeatedly sprouts an uncircumcised penis from her forehead. But we humans are fickle, masochistic creatures, and our seemingly irrational, anti-Pavlovian behavior– the development of habit in the face of overwhelming disgust, outrage, and physical pain– will sometimes pay off. And by “pay off,” I mean, “horrify me in a truly novel and unusual way”.

The day after I discovered “Lust Train,” I was compelled to share it with pretty much everyone I came into contact with. The sharing of plot details with several staff members present in the office was much appreciated (I say this unironically; this hentai is probably one of the funniest fucking things I have ever encountered on the internet); unfortunately, the person I most wanted to share it with, my co-columnist Kyle, was absent. When I did get a chance to explain “Lust Train,” he was adamant about not hearing about it.

Me: KYLE! I have to tell you about the BEST hentai EVER!
Kyle: Noooooooo.
Me: It is the BEST thing.
Kyle: No, I really don’t want to hear it.
Me: [turns to other staffers] He wants to hear it, right?
Other Staffers: Yes!
Kyle: [relents]
Me: It has all the tropes of an average hentai– schoolgirls, train molestations, tentacles… but with Gundam robots.
Kyle: WHOA.

Now that my “Lust Train” Tourette’s has spiraled into unprecedented heights, I can no longer hold myself back from sharing the best hentai porn in the history of the world, with you, the audience of the Sqlog. (Yes, I am aware that the audience of Sqlog is literally the writing staff of the Sqlog plus one or two bored alumni).

I hesitate to say that “Lust Train” opens like a typical hentai– but, well, “Lust Train” does open like a typical hentai, with a lot of over-endowed, overly-young girls getting forcibly sexually excited while an obese, bespectacled man sits on a throne with his cock hanging out, evilly panting with both lust and self-satisfaction.

heaving cones of shiny dough

heaving cones of shiny dough

The “camera” zooms and we see that our presumed villain (well, don’t assume too much, you can never tell what kind of a dude will play the down-to-earth male protagonist in this orgy of male gaze) is transporting himself and his harem of underage beauties in some sort of a train.

boy is he proud of himself

boy is he proud of himself

As the train pulls into the station, we see that two unwitting school girls are standing on the platform, closer to the tracks than any of the other people. Meanwhile, a mysterious man sprints to the station, deeply concerned about what will happen when the train reaches the platform.

Presumably this man is our bland, boring, big-dicked, easy-to-relate-to protagonist. I think he’s like a detective or something, but “Lust Train” is pretty scant on details in regards to him– not a huge deal, considering the massive amount of ground this video will cover in only 23 minutes and 41 seconds.

NamelessProtagonist’s gut instincts are on the right track. As the train squeals to a stop, the doors open to reveal…

!tahw

!tahw

…rape tentacles!!!!

The tentacles are mysteriously capable of distinguishing the hot and buxom from the boring, old, and penised, and violently kidnap according to the former criteria.

Naturally this event begs the question of why no one has reported such an incident to the authorities. And unlike most porns, this one actually has a logical answer– our villain’s exploits are being investigated by both NamelessProtagonist and some paramilitary facility of superscientists, from which Professor Sakinomiya (the salivating villain) apparently defected.

What are our superscientists (one long-haired pretty man and a stereotypical cast of hentai females– a normalish one, an overendowed “mature” one, a smart glasses-wearing one, and a really small flat-chested pink-haired child) up to?

Answer:

Orgasming.

rubadubdub

rubadubdub

As it turns out, these guys have some kind of a gundam style robot, clearly meant for law enforcement (note the immaculate, professional tie):

a copbot. wearing a tie.

some sort of a robotic cop. a cop bot. or robocop, if you will.

What powers CopRobot is apparently the length and intensity of orgasms experienced by whoever is manning the orgasm chamber, which contains the “Orgastone,” a device which mysteriously converts orgasms into energy.

Asses to asses, butts to butts

Asses to asses, butts to butts

The female scientists are having a really hard time getting beyond a Stage C orgasm (they apparently categorize orgasms on some kind of a letter grade scale, so a Stage A orgasm would be better than a Stage C orgasm). Even with the weird nipple vibrators, the orgasms just aren’t that good.

not gratuitous

not gratuitous

Professional attire only, ladies!

Professional attire only, ladies!

she just turned 18

she just turned eight...een.

Since the CopRobot isn’t getting powered up all the way, he’s somewhat of a failure when it comes to combat. So the pressure on to have better orgasms… which, as everyone knows, is the ideal atmosphere in which to masturbate furiously.

This is also the point at which Lolita and Glasses have one of the most horrifying, stomach-churning exchanges in the entire video– imagine Lolita’s ^_^ face through the entire duration of this dialogue:

Lolita: You’re also at Stage C, so that means you haven’t cum enough either. ^_^
Glasses: Shut up! You’re in the same situation.
Lolita: Yeah, but I’m not sexually experienced. ^_^ How do you always do it? ^_-
Glasses: I don’t know!
Lolita: You lie! Teach me! ^_^
Glasses: Stop pestering me!

At this point, I’m going to have to stop. My method of screen capture has mysteriously ceased to work on no fewer than three different computing systems. After such an blistering onslaught of successive failures, I am obliged to give up… until next time

Pt. 2 of my review of “Lust Train” will include:

  • penis guns
  • horrible horrible tentacle rape
  • a dude with bigger boobs than me, getting his nips sucked
  • a Gundam robot flashing her panties
  • underaged tears
  • ROBOT BATTLES
  • tips on how to woo orgasmed-out girls you meet inside of damaged gundam robots
  • your inability to have joyful, uninhibited sex ever again

You’ll have to wait two weeks for the next installment, of course, since Kyle will be writing next week on Japanese product placement. Till next time!

Part 2 Now Available

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4 comments

  1. […] listening to Lady Gaga’s Poker Face repeatedly of late. Keep in mind that I have also watched “Lust Train” a good four or five times. Of my own volition. Although David and I disagree as to whether she is […]


  2. […] you haven’t read the first part of my write-up yet, you are a) one of the few readers who didn’t stumble onto this site while […]


  3. […] view Japan as a society of polite, and reserved people. Over the last few weeks, Sarah has shown us just how untrue that is. The truth is that Japan is host to a profound separation between public and […]


  4. […] to David (as well as my own sick curiosity, I guess) I wasn’t nearly as appalled by the sight of Brüno’s “pygmy flight […]



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