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This Is What You Fucking Kids Want, Isn’t It?

May 2, 2009

Dear Internet User-

Welcome!  Please, take a seat and stare deeply into the closest Internet-spewing object you can find, be it one of your increasingly small computer-machines, or greasy-screened telephone watches, or through a direct link to your hindbrain a la every unimaginative cyberpunk story ever.  Pour yourself a nice drink.  And relax.  The Heuristic Squelch has finally decided to go onto the Internet.  Everything is going to be okay.

“But wait a minute,” you’re probably asking, “weren’t you already on the Internet?”  And “shit,” we’d probably respond, “we’ve already been found out.”  Yes, it is true, the Squelch technically already exists at www.squelched.com, but its current form is little more than an online archive of .pdfs of our hit UC Berkeley humor magazine.  While this is all fine and good, we felt that the current atmosphere of popular humor required, nay, demanded that we begin to provide some sort of original content on the Internet to compete with the various Cracked.Com “Lists of Movies We Just Saw and Other Very Boring Things” and CollegeHumor.Com “Look At All These Titties” of the world.  Also, we felt like we needed a venue to discuss the magazine in a more public way, as well as a place to quickly post or advertise side projects of Squelch staffers past and present (and future? — look into this idea more).  Also, we figured it’s 2009 and everyone and their fucking dog has some sort of Twitter or Livejournal or whatever so we might as well.

But most of all, we’re doing it for you, the UC Berkeley student/Heuristic Squelch reader/Internet cretin, because we love you.  God knows we didn’t have to do this.  Actually, we probably shouldn’t have.  You didn’t ask for it; nobody asked for it.  But we did it anyway, because we love you this much.  For the purposes of this expression, it would help if you would imagine that right now I am holding my arms very far apart from each other, almost in a crucifixion-pose, denoting a large amount.  Don’t worry, we’ll work all these kinds of things out later, this is just the first post.

Enjoy!

-David Hollingsworth, Editor-in-Chief, The Heuristic Squelch

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4 comments

  1. You guys know that you can put actual articles on the website too, right, not just pdfs? If you want some kind of functionality that puts new stuff on the homepage I’m sure that’s not too difficult — you could probably even ask Tom about it and he would still be willing to help you. Or maybe put a link to this blog on the homepage so it’s not just floating in nothingness.

    Also, yeah, you guys should totally start a Twitter too. So far this blog hasn’t done anything a microblog couldn’t. At the very least you should snap up the heuristicsquelch username.


    • We tried putting up a wordpress on squelched, but one uses Apache and the other uses Java and it’s a huge ordeal. We could probably find some way to get around that or just use a different or our own posting system, but I am personally retarded and this is a suitable substitute for the time being. When the summer rolls around and no one here has anything to do, we’ll figure something out with this as at least a temporary housing for whatever we’ll end up doing with this thing.

      On your suggestion, I swallowed my pride and registered a Twitter. “heuristicsquelch” is too long for twitter, “thesquelch” is taken, so “twitter.com/squelched” now belongs to me. I doubt we’ll ever use it, but hey.


  2. Don’t use the twitter account, for God’s sake. Take the names, but don’t use them. Even Kanye won’t use Twitter. Do you really want something called a “microblog”? Jesus Christ. Next you’ll be having guest posts by Cory Doctorow.


  3. […] that we have a Twitter, I dutifully logged in. I momentarily considered writing an update, but then this comment came to mind: Don’t use the twitter account, for God’s sake. Take the names, but don’t use […]



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