Spartacus: Hurf and Durf

INT – CHEAP DUNGEON SET FROM LIFE OF BRIAN, DAY

SPARTACUS sits on a plank in the SLAVE’S QUARTERS of the arena, contemplating his mortality BARECHESTEDLY.  He thinks of HIS WIFE and misses her A WHOLE BUNCH.  Suddenly, ANNOYING BROTHER FROM THE MUMMY walks into frame menacingly.  He is Spartacus’ owner and he is going to use Spartacus to his advantage in a way which isn’t really clear no matter how many times they try to clunkily explain it.

ANNOYING MUMMY BROTHER

“All right Spartacus, are you ready to go into the fake-looking greenscreen arena and fight…for your life?“

Spartacus PONDERS for a moment.  He seemingly has nothing left in his life to fight for, and yet he still presses forward.  Whoa, he seems to think, this is an entirely original concept; utterly groundbreaking for this or any other genre. He is CORRECT.

SPARTACUS

“Listen, guy from The Mummy, because I’m only going to say this once per episode.  My name isn’t Spartacus, and I’m only doing this because I think I will be able to get my wife back by doing it for some reason.”

There is a tense PAUSE.

ANNOYING MUMMY BROTHER

“Okay, whatever.”

A SWEET guitar lick plays.

Metaphors

What You Should Have Watched – The Venture Bros.

I feel as though I may be going about this whole morally-superior television lecture series the wrong way, because by starting with the greatest television program ever to grace our pitiable, meaningless existences with its blindingly brilliant presence, I’ve probably undercut everything else that ever appeared on TV unfairly.  However, I really like talking about really good TV so I’m not going to change the formula and you’re just going to have to live with being slightly more and more underwhelmed with each additional entry in this already underwhelming feature.

Though The Wire is empirically and unimpeachably the best show to have ever been broadcast at any one time, it does have the one flaw of basically n0t being on television any more, save for reruns on basic cable where they edit out all the good stuff like the swearing and the boobs and, supposedly on BET, all the white-people subplots in season 2 (a fact that I find absolutely hilarious).  What all this means is that The Wire regrettably can no longer hold the title of Best Show Currently on Television, which leaves said title vacant.  And what program will fill this vacancy like so much caulk?  Many have their own answers, but these answers are often stupid and obvious, relying on inferior versions of The Wire (The Shield), or shows people don’t quite realize have been cancelled (Battlestar Galactica), or shows that shouldn’t really count because of their non-narrative format (The Daily Show, etc.), or shows that are actually pretty good but are inferior to the one that I am about to name (Mad Men).  To find the Best Show Currently on Television, one has to search beyond conventional television, into the idiotic jungle of Adult Swim.  I put forth to you that the offbeat The Venture Bros. is actually the best show on television right now.

GO TEAM (placeholder for joke)

What You Should Have Watched: The Wire

Let’s all cleanse our palate from Sarah’s horrid cartoon porn with something I like to call What You Should Have Watched.

In this recurring whatever-you-would-call-this-kind-of-thing, I will attempt to show you, the reader, that there are shining examples of television that legitimize not only the box’s capacity as a format and institution, but as an invention.  More importantly, though, the purpose of these posts will be to chide you for not watching these shows and to get you to start watching or immediately purchase them on DVD because it is important that you watch these things because they are art you big ‘tard.

My first subject will be HBO’s David Simon’s David Hollingsworth’s Favorite Show Ever The Wire, which is maybe a bad idea because it will make all other shows I’ll attempt to defend look like big old garbage shits (shits from eating garbage).

here come omar :3