“Serious” Business: MoveOn The Movie

Finally! Accomplished spammers and sometime political activists MoveOn.Org have given the American public what it craves: a movie about MoveOn.Org! Yes, they’ve gone and made a feature-length documentary about what MoveOn.Org calls “the biggest progressive grass-roots movement seen in the United States since the 1960s!” Can you believe it?! For only twenty freakin’ dollars you! can become the proud owner of the first-ever feature-length movie by MoveOn, for MoveOn! Ah, but fellas, fellas, don’t take my word for it. Just go ahead and suck some trailer up in your eye sockets!

Is this gonna be the most blatantly masturbatory film since The Brown Bunny? The most transparently self-congratulatory work since the Sqlog? The stupidest conceivable waste of donor money? Yes! Yes! GOD yes!

My Spec Script: True Blood

Everybody knows that TV screenwriting is the surest possible route to fame, riches and poontang. And no show’s hotter right now than HBO’s sexy vampire drama, True Blood. So root for me, boys, I’m goin’ for that brass ring! Now, my new bosses at HBO (Nosferatu willing) probably won’t want me spoiling the story to people who aren’t “in the business,” as we in the business say. But what the Hell, you people are too good to me. Here are some choice excerpts!

INT. CRAPPY SOUTHERN HOUSE.
We see THE HEROINE, a SPUNKY NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD with STRAIGHT BLONDE HAIR. We’ll call her… DUFFY? MUFFY? SHMARAH SHMICHELLE SHMELLAR? Fuck it, we’ll call her SOOKIE.
SOOKIE: Gram-maw, we’re gonna be late for Baptist church!
Cut to GRAM-MAW, who looks REALLY OLD but not TOTALLY GROSS.
GRAM-MAW: Oh, we’ve some time yet, dear. How about some grits and red-eye coffee?
SOOKIE: No thanks, I already had a turducken out of the fridge.
Is this shit SOUTHERN enough? Christ, I need a KOMBUCHA.
GRAM-MAW: Just don’t let your boyfriend get fresh. Your vampire boyfriend!

And if that don't bring you in, titties oughta.

Why you should all watch “Glee”

No, seriously, this is a good show.

Many of us feel a foreboding chill when we read the phrase “new, fresh comedy on FOX”. We’ve had our hearts broken too many times. We get visions of time slot changes, out-of-order episodes, pulled promotions, premature cancellations. I mean, these FOX guys would use foie gras for toilet paper. But I have to warn you anyway: there’s a new, fresh comedy on FOX. It’s called Glee, it inspired this list, and from one pilot I’m already willing to call it one of the best shows of the single-camera era.

Film on Fridays: Angels and Demons

Spring training for the St. Louis Cardinals

The great thing about Dan Brown novels is you can line them up perfectly with your plane flight. You pick up a copy at the airport bookstore, get past the exposition at the gate, find out about the shocking true-life conspiracy on the runway, get through a couple of chase scenes before dinner, follow the hero through the shocking climax after a short nap (the Deadly Enforcer dies!), find out about the real conspiracy on the descent (it was the innocuous secondary character all along!), and wince at the awkwardly sexual dénouement before the seatbelt lights turn off (the female lead says something kind of dirty!). The whole experience is slightly more interesting than talking to the idiot next to you or quietly trying not to think about deep-vein thrombosis.

Ron Howard’s take on Angels and Demons rivals the original as a work of surpassing adequacy, a film so relentlessly tolerable it may inspire you to sit still and look forward, the summer thriller for people who have already seen all the interesting ones. Anybody looking to keep an annoying relative busy, encourage light petting on a second date, or stay out of the heat for two hours will find Angels and Demons the perfect movie not to pay attention to.

Film on Fridays: Intro

Like movies?

 

We don’t, generally speaking. But don’t let that stop you from reading what we think of them. Every Friday or two, whenever we can muster the willpower to watch a whole movie, we’ll post an original review of it, right here on the Sqlog! Wait, there’s more: because we technically qualify to attend press screenings, most of these reviews will cover new releases on opening night!

 

This Friday, we’ll cover Angels and Demons here. The book was a piece of crap, so we don’t have our hopes up.  But we’ll watch it, so you don’t have to!