Profiles in Genius – Hot Ham N CheeseJanuary 30, 2010
Tonight, we’ll be trying out a new concept that Squelch and Sqlog writer Erik was toying around with, Profiles in Genius. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe he had a different name for it. I probably should have called him or something before I went ahead with this. In any case, PiG is meant to be an outlet for us to show our recognition and appreciation of those individuals who courageously, dilligently, and often pathologically contribute to Internet discourse with their particular brands of brilliance. At least I think that’s what’s this supposed to be; Erik may have originally intended this to be about exposing corruption in consumer-review websites or taking screen captures of hilarious typos on Twitter. We don’t talk, Erik and I.
For my first post, I would like to introduce to you to Hot Ham N Cheese, the world’s best rapper.
Subject: Hot Ham N Cheese
Aliases: Hot Ham N Motherfucking Cheese, Hot Ham…[3 second pause]…N Motherfucking Cheese!
Expertise: Denying women oral sex.
Hot Ham, as he is known by his more in-the-know fans, is a rapper who knows exactly what he likes. He likes eating a lot of things and talking about it, and he likes it when people in the food service industry are prompt in delivering his food. What’s more important, however, is the fact that Hot Ham knows very explicitly what he doesn’t like: unhygienic vulvae. In fact, he hates it so much that he has written an entire single song about it. Addressed to a hypothetical female subject (not unlike Shakespeare’s sonnets, mind you!), his opus “Nah Bitch!” tells of how he will shove his face into literally any object that might offer him sustenance, save that of his mystery-lover’s pubic area, because it stank.
Let’s watch, shall we?
Powerful, powerful words. What makes “Nah Bitch!” even moreso the essential Hot Ham N Cheese work is the fact that it appears to be his only work. A search for “Hot Ham N Cheese” in Google produces only disgusting, orange pictures of Arby’s nightmares, and feebly adding “rapper” to the search term only yields this one song. Regardless, however, Hot Ham has apparently found it necessary to release not one, but three promotional videos wherein he discusses the issues he has with certain American holidays. He manages to sneak in a reference to foul-smelling genitals in literally every one. The Valentine’s Day one is my favorite, if not just for the peak we get at his magnificent breasts:
Some have contended that Hot Ham N Cheese is nothing but a puppet of retard-comedy director Richie Rich. These contentions are falsehoods, likely spread by the Broke-Ass Cunnilingus lobby, which to this day has a powerful psychological grip, forcing many brothers who don’t want to get near none of that to live in fear. Only Hot Ham N Cheese has the courage to stand up and tell them to their faces that it stank. And for that, he will always be a hero.