Archive for December, 2009

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Cartoon Graveyard: Feet of Clay

December 30, 2009

Why animate? Why make the decision that a movie, TV show, music video or what-have-you needs to be presented through drawings, stop-motion, or CGI? There are plenty of reasons one might choose – visual styles and images that can’t be plausibly created in live action, striking a certain silly tone, wanting to make sure your younger actors don’t age out of their characters. But all too often it comes down to a less-than-compelling reason: because it’s cheap. Why pay for actors, sets, and props when you can just hire an animation studio to make the whole thing? Alas, cheapness is the only plausible reason for the existence of this week’s entry, which gives new meaning to the word “inessential.”

Title: Glenn Martin, D.D.S.
Network: Nickelodeon (Nick at Nite)
Premise: Boring family has boring adventures in their boring RV.

Ugly pics after the jump.

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Film on Fridays: OMG it’s like so0o0o complicated

December 25, 2009

This holiday premiere season, there’s one question probably not on your mind: is It’s Complicated significantly less stupid than its title, trailer, posters and tagline (“Divorced… with benefits”)? The answer, I barely care to inform you, is yes, thanks to careful direction and a cast more full of ringers than a United States Olympic basketball team. Writer-director Nancy Meyers, also of Something’s Gotta Give, acquits herself admirably in her apparent specialty of deconstructing ’70s movie stars by way of old-people romance. But it’s doubtful that she would have succeeded without the fine work of Alec Baldwin, Meryl Streep and Steve Martin, who play out a romance not only more convincing, not only funnier, but actually sexier than the young couples we’re supposed to enjoy watching generally manage. Unfortunately, Meyers never pushes the story far enough to make the strong statement about post-modern love that she clearly wanted to make.

It just looks so stupid, just so unbelievably stupid.

It shouldn’t be a spoiler that It’s Complicated has a happy ending, which in Hollywood means that the characters arrange themselves algorithmically into a neat grid of mutual obligation that takes into account strict monogamy, absolute no-homo for anyone in a leading role, loyalty to biological offspring, and devotion to True Love. In other words, by the end Meyers takes care to banish everything that the phrase “it’s complicated” implies. And the beginning involves no romance or comedy to speak of, establishing character and setting at the sluggish pace of a writer without faith in the audience or in her own abilities. But the middle zips, it crackles, it sizzles, it follows all the clichés about stories that don’t follow clichés. The middle section is so exciting, the MPAA gave it an R rating, for a couple of tame sex-having and pot-smoking scenes with no swearing and no violence. It’s obvious what disturbed the MPAA: this movie makes love and sex (and drugs) seem fun. Also dirty, illicit, confusing. Complicated, even. Hell, people enjoy food in this movie more than they enjoy love in most “romantic comedies,” which gives it real comic and romantic stakes.

Read the rest of this entry ?

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Cartoon Graveyard Saves Christmas

December 23, 2009

Hey, I don’t know if the culture at large has waved this fact in your face like a greasy towel or anything, but it’s pretty close to Christmas. So instead of making the usual lame jokes about consumerism being equated with patriotism or Santa Claus indulging in some uncharacteristic vice or some such thing, I thought I’d offer something practical and theme-appropriate. I proudly present the Cartoon Graveyard Guide to Christmas Cartoons That Won’t Waste Your Time.

Keep in mind, I’ll be working under the conceit that you’re marathoning all these shows at once, because hey, you’re reading the Sqlog, it’s not like you have serious demands on your time. So continue isolating yourself from friends and family with a misplaced sense of intellectual superiority and let the Christmas spirit fill your heart instead of distilled spirits filling your stomach.

Now, you’re going to want to ease yourself into this. Presumably you’ve had enough Christmas stuffed down your craw for the past month, and you’ll need to trick your brain into actually wanting to see something Yuletidey. So I’d start with the Justice League Christmas Special. Superhero action is the perfect way to distract yourself from the Christmas stuff, and this one has plenty of variety: bar brawls, Martian carols, and best of all, the Ultra-Humanite. Because in my book, everything’s better with huge, superintelligent albino gorillas who act like Sideshow Bob. Oh, who am I kidding, I just want to talk about how much that show ruled.

Twas two days before Christmas, and all up the coast, people clicked on this link for the rest of the post.

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Weekend Video Jamboree – 12/12/09

December 12, 2009

Hey everyone!

I’m not going to address my absence at all.  Have some videos!!!

Usher, ft. G.Y.L.A.M. – Papers

TOO MUCH OWNAGE FOR AN EMBED, CLICK THE LINK CHOCHACHOS

WOOP WOOP

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It’s Christmas!

Oh my God, look at this kid.  This kid has it figured out.  I don’t even know what it is he has figured out but whatever it is it is the fuel that my blackened heart needs to make me remember that there is love.

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Tiger Woods Defends Wife

How are these people real.  How did I not come up with this after a bite from a chubby hipster turned me into a Were-Eric Wareheim.  Were-Heim?  I should write all this down.

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Egg Shaped Face Probably Says Dumb Things

Dude look like he got a bad Perfect Dark face texture wrapped around that egg-ass head of his.

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United 93 as retold with GTA: San Andreas

Hey Khalikh Sheikh Mohammed you lookin a lil thin, man.

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That’s it see you next week I Love You!

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Cartoon Graveyard: Again With The Superheroes

December 10, 2009

Some unfortunate soul out there must remember my write-up of The Spectacular Spider-Man , in which I discoursed upon the cyclical nature of TV cartoons, and superhero shows in particular. In the course of that now-legendary post, I presented the history of animated Spider-Men as an introduction to the most recent, actually pretty kickass incarnation. Today I propose to repeat the format using the X-Men, with special attention to how repeated shows about the same people are under continuous pressure to, if not top, at least distinguish themselves from the previous series. So bring on the merry mutants!

Title: Wolverine and the X-Men
Network: Nicktoons Network
Premise: C’mon, it’s the X-Men, you should know what to expect.

Unlike their arachnoid colleague, the X-Men’s history in animation is comparatively short. The group was only popular starting in the mid-seventies, when they brought in Wolverine and all the other non-American characters (for the last time, yes, he’s Canadian). So the earliest attempt at an animated version was a failed pilot narrated by Stan Lee, bearing the episode title “Pryde of the X-Men.”It’s notable mostly for the bizarre decision to give Wolverine an exaggerated Australian accent for no apparent reason other than that it was the eighties, and people were into Crocodile Dundee I guess.

More videos with silly accents after the jump.

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