Weeaboo Wednesday: Lust Train, Pt. 2May 20, 2009
It was with great hesitation and mild dismay that I logged out of a satisfying session of World of Warcraft in order to bring you more horrible, horrible porn. Although I was initially very excited about the potential comedy value of “Lust Train,” going as far as to describe it as the “best thing ever,” two or three or twelve repeat viewings have definitely dimmed my enthusiasm. Although the combination of hilariously wrong, morally reprehensible hentai and transforming gundam robots is pretty excellent, watching huge boobs getting lashed together by slender tentacles and then milked like udders is kind of a downer if you subscribe to anything remotely resembling feminist principles. But I promised to bring you more– so here I am.
If you haven’t read the first part of my write-up yet, you are a) one of the few readers who didn’t stumble onto this site while looking up “skunk fu hentai,” b) probably better off for it.
This week’s post is going to go straight into the mind-bogglingly unerotic. Just to make it entirely clear: this post is NOT WORK SAFE, it’s not even mind safe. THIS IS REALLY A REVIEW OF HENTAI. Brace yourselves for a truly terrifying journey…
When we last left off, Nozomi (center) was not orgasming hard enough. The superscientists (all dem tittied ladies above) were getting frustrated with their inability to power their gundam robot to the max. If you recall, the robot runs on orgasms, which are converted into energy by a mysterious device known as the Orgastone.
I find the Orgastone interesting, in that it is a totally unexplained plot device that would be far more at home in Golden Age American porn, rather than Japanese hentai– no matter how high quality that hentai is. (The sad thing: Lust Train is actually very high quality hentai. The dialogue is relatively coherent, the plot complex, and the animation exceptional). The Orgastone also functions as somewhat of a creation myth for our villain.
It turns out that the Orgastone is to Professor Sakinomiya what that weird spider was to Peter Parker. Except Spiderman uses his powers for good, and Professor Sakinomiya uses them to get his nips sucked.
Although at one point in the video, the evil professor mentions something about “showing them all who really rules Blue City,” it seems as though the predicate of “evil” is actually contingent on rape. Lots of it, from every conceivable angle, even ones that are pretty much impossible. Note how her shoulders appear above her ears, but her breasts distend about a foot beyond her chin. WTF.
It’s never explained whether only female orgasms power the Orgastones, or if the “if a man touches it, he turns evil” clause is the only thing keeping this hentai from being a neverending circlejerk. I guess watching men masturbate is pretty unerotic, but are they really aiming to titillate? ‘Cuz this video is pretty much the definition of unerotica. You watch it to get rid of your boner.
Speaking of, do you want to get rid of your boner?
Now that your member has withered away and dropped off, let’s move on to robot fighting!
After proxy-raping about fifty women via robot? tentacles on his kidnapping train, the professor launches his robot for the express purpose of fucking up the city. Why? Because.
Several cars decouple from the evil kidnapping train and transform into EvilBot. Also, as EvilBot launches, she flashes her panties.
They have strawberries on them.
In response to the sudden havoc in “Blue City,” the paramilitary research team of well-endowed superscientists launches “Rin-Oh,” the CopBot we met in my previous post, by launching several train cars into the air and transforming them into the robot. It’s just like Transformers, except it is conceivable that I would masturbate to Transformers!
Nozomi (our sort-of lady protagonist, and Rin-Oh’s pilot) must hurriedly masturbate in order to fuel Rin-Oh’s attacks. Like everything else in this video, the frantic pace of her rubbings is absolutely charming.
As you might imagine, her frenetic masturbation is not particularly effective, and EvilSchoolGirlRobot goes on to kick Rin-Oh’s ass pretty decisively.
Just as the confrontation gets rolling, who should suddenly appear but…
He arrives just in time to see this go down:
Rin-Oh is pretty much sent flying to the ground, knocking out both the robot’s various systems and its impossibly shaped pilot.
The paramilitary super-scientists panic and begin to fire penis-shaped cannons (mounted on trains… why trains?!) at EvilBot. Smug with assured success, EvilBot deflects the shots (very cutely) with her schoolgirl bag.
Meanwhile, NamelessProtagonist decides to investigate the fallen robot. To his shock, he finds some shiny, moist, passed-out-from-orgasming chick with her titties hanging out.
He assesses the situation, and manages to grasp it all in a flash. Guess what happens next?
A) he leaves and quietly closes the door behind him, hoping she doesn’t notice
B) seeing as she just sort of got shot out of the sky by an evil robot, he hides his embarrassment over the awkward situation and checks her for any injuries
C) “Excuse me, I dropped something: my jaw.”
D) he rapes her
HINT: this is not a review of Nailin’ Paylin.
Part 3 will be the last installment of this review of “Lust Train.” Tune in next time fo mo rape, mo robots, mo bitches, and mo problems.
“Why would I do that?” you might ask, bitter tears of regret cascading down your cheeks, as you cradle the remains of your healthy sexuality in arms that are oh-so-tired from flailing in dsgust.
How the hell would I know? Maybe you just hate yourself a lot, like I do.